Google Plus Communities

In all their wisdom, Google shut down its own history as is common in the tech world.

Google decided to close its G+ communities in 2019 which to the researchers disappointment also kills off those communities and the content which historically I had used extensively to engage with the Google Glass community as well as to host events through Google Hangouts and so on.

Here are some of the communities which I was the owner, co-administrator or participant.



Victim Impact Statement

Photogrpaher: Magali McDuffie


This Victim Impact Statement has been prepared and written in full by myself, Alexander Hayes.

In identifying as the Victim and as the Complainant in a historical sexual assault case, I hereby describe the physical effects and emotional harm that these matters had at the time of the offences and continue to have upon me to the present day.

I understand that the Victim Impact Statement (VIS) is an opportunity for me to participate in the criminal justice process by informing the Court and anyone reading this document of the impact of sexual assault on myself, Alexander Hayes. I do not regard anything I have written as being offensive, threatening, intimidating or harassing towards the offender.

I reinforce that this Victim Impact Statement is about the personal harm that I have suffered as a result of the offenders wilful behaviour that has compromised my physical and psychological well being, both of which are commensurate and not isolated in description.

Background

As a child, one of my greatest joys was attending social events organised by the Church with my Family. I attended Church services and participated in activities which supported the financial and logistical structure of these organisations, which were always described to me as an opportunity to make friends and learn new life skills.

I was enthusiastic about the prospects I had ahead of me when we moved from inner suburban Bexley to the Sutherland Shire of Sydney, New South Wales, Australia. I was a well adjusted, articulate and happy child when I first joined the Church of England Boys Society (CEBS) in early 1979 at St. John The Baptist Anglican Church in Sutherland, NSW Australia.

Honesty, trust and obedience were reinforced as virtues of this Church activity and yet these values, rules of social engagement and Law were broken by the offender  in incidents as detailed to the Court.

The wilful behaviour of the offender compromised my physical and psychological well being, with the effects being nothing less than a catastrophic betrayal of my childhood and adult humanity.

Impact On Family

The core of an individual’s identity across all cultures is considered to be informed from infancy by our immediate kin Family, who always remain central to our reference in life, yet, in my case, the very first impact I felt as a boy just entering his teenager years was alienation from my Family due to sexual assault.

As detailed in Court, the wilful behaviour of the offender immediately compromised my own sense of trust in adult males and as I experienced the fullest extent of hypocrisy and predation, in turn, it caused me to question why my innocence was not protected by those also charged with my care.

The impact of sexual assault on myself has caused shame on my Family as well as a continuing and direct impact on the relationships I have with my immediate Family. I do not know how at the point of writing this Victim Impact Statement how, if ever, I am going to be able to counteract those effects of sexual assault and heal those relationships.

Impact on Relationships

Sexual assault has had a direct and life long impact on the way in which I have been able to express my intimacy with others.

As a boy, my ‘kid code’ was scrambled for want of a better expression.

The wilful behaviour of the offender compromised my capacity to form intimate relationships with others as a teenager and I directly attribute sexual assault as the psychological barrier I have experienced at times in my relationships since with significant others.

As a result of sexual assault, my trust in others, in particular those who travelled through my life journey in long term relationships were compromised by my psychological distress. I also consider that I was denied those moments of innocence as a child exploring and forging those first moments of an autonomous identity and by being sexually assaulted, that impeccable child state ended in an unwelcome catharsis.  

The impact of sexual assault on my relationships has been ruinous, contributing directly to my separations, marriage breakdowns and deep sadness across my Family as a result.  In all, except one case, my partner was unaware of those specific matters and detail which have now been heard in a Court of Law.

Impact on Friendships

Many of my peers as a teenager noted that I would at times be ‘distant’ in conversation and at times less than convivial in my expressions towards older males who I often attributed wrongly to be of a physical threat to my well being.

My misperceptions of trust were forged in the compromise I found myself in ‘holding a secret’ which I knew would result in ‘grave consequences’ if revealed, for myself and those who I loved most. The wilful behaviour of the offender in sexually assaulting me has without any doubt been a contributing factor in the impact on my friendships with others, particularly older males as described prior.

In the company of others I have continued to experience feelings of anxiety and fear of ‘enclosure’ which has led to my self exclusion from many social events as an adult. The very same changes in my social life have had an impact on others who have been unable to understand my ‘sharp’ demeanour or unexplained hostility.

Holding a ‘secret’ in an everyday mindful state and not being able to speak of what had happened to me for fear of reprisal in its many manifestations is the backbone for the trauma and the behaviours that I have described above. Sexual assault has also caused many ‘unseen’ issues which only those closest to me can attest.

Recurrent ‘flashbacks’ of events and associated physical effects have affected the way in which I interact with friends as medical professionals describe as similar to ‘post traumatic stress disorder’. My experience is that my friendships do not often endure the mayhem that sexual assault causes in breach of trust.

In bringing my story forward, the ability to trust in others is central to what sexual assault has in the past taken away from me.

Impact On Health

The impact of sexual assault on my health is discernible in the many presentations to medical professionals over thirty years in states of anxiety and depression. The state of hypervigilance and the sense of deprivation of liberty that I experienced for so long since that period of sexual assault, I attribute directly to sexual assault.

As a child and as a sexual assault victim I recall suffering episodes of night ‘terror’, uncontrolled sweating, bed urination and ‘sleep walking’ in an uncontrolled state. As a teenager I turned to alcohol and drugs as a means to control my anxiousness and to embolden myself to counteract the fear I felt in a social setting, all of which I believe can be attributed to sustained sexual assault as the primary causal agency. As an adult I continue to suffer from severe insomnia, night ‘terror’ and hypervigilance which all  impact on my ability to share the same bed as my partner.

My physical health and emotional well being as an adult have been compromised as a result of the behaviours that became manifest contrary to my innocent disposition prior to sexual assault. Likewise, my attitude towards others and the way I now process conflict has been at times only satisfactory, at times self destructive.

There are not enough pages in this statement to provide the details of all those who have from across the medical profession helped me by listening carefully. My coping skills are due to the goodwill of those medical professionals, community members and friends from around the world who have helped me over three decades to develop ways to counteract the catastrophe of sexual assault and make healthy life choices.

Impact on Career

Since a young age my capacity and capability in social and academic performance, attention to detail and my ability to engage with complex academic challenges have been overshadowed by negative memories of sexual assault.

In fear of returning to CEBS activities and not feeling safe within my family home I recall as a teenager truanting from school, disengaging from the curriculum at times and yet despite this fact a number of my teachers in secondary school, as well as other significant mentors, encouraged me to pursue knowledge to the utmost of my ability. As a result, I have excelled academically and have held senior roles and positions of employment, not surprisingly in the early part of my career in restorative justice and child protection.

Throughout my career as an educator, my prospects of attaining financial security as a result of the impact of sexual assault have been duly direful. My economic position as a result of the effect of sexual assault as described prior in ‘impact on relationships’ has been calamitous and I am struggling now to ‘make ends meet’ which is distressing given my advanced age and lack of financial assets.

In coming forward to speak my story publicly I have been ostracised and removed from communications with a number of professional colleagues who despite their misinformation and lack of collegial empathy claimed my seeking justice in a criminal court as ‘professional suicide’. In coming forward and providing evidence in court, in speaking my story,  it is evident to me that sexual assault has had and will continue to have a direct and undeniable impact on my career professional and prospects of promotion.

I attribute the sexual assault that I have suffered as directly compromising the fullest potential and future prospects that I may have attained had I not been a victim of crime.

Impact As Victim Of Crime

I am a good person.

Most days I wake up hopeful and thankful that I have lived a good life despite the fact that the majority of what I have lived has been affected by a crime of sexual assault. The impact of sexual assault has been horrendous on my life and at times has caused me deep pain, feelings of isolation, fear of loss and great anguish.

Sexual assault breaks the rules of society. It is against the Law, against the ethical foundation for humanity and those who break this moral code then own the consequences.

I remind myself and all those who may think otherwise, that as a victim of crime, as a sexual assault victim that the fact remains that I will never ‘get over it’ rather, as a survivor I have learned to live with it.

I am a Survivor.

Alexander Hayes

18th April, 2019










Yahoo

Since the beginning of time, I’ve read the news and other snippets of rubbish through the quagmire of the Yahoo adware enriched ‘privacy-my-ass’ portal that never seems to log me out even though I’ve hit the log out button repeatedly.

So after many years of having a Flickr Pro account that never got used I’ve decided to delete both my Yahoo and Flickr accounts together, or so I thought.

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After a few minutes digging through my Flickr dashboard I found the delete function - well, at least thats what it says….but dont let me spoil the story already. Check out what comes next.

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Well I would think that when you say ‘thats it then’ and ‘your account has been deleted’ and ‘GOODBYE!” in a petulant child like voice that the account is actually deleted. But wait, read on as it will become apparent thats not the case.

As I noted I still had my Yahoo tab open which is how I managed to login into my Flickr account still open I flicked over to it and hey presto! Another delete function to wade through complete with all of it’s descriptions also.

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So there I am thinking well, if I have deleted the Flickr account and the Yahoo account is linked then it seems only right that Yahoo has it’s begging turen also…so here I go to delete that account also. Now remember, this is my Yahoo ‘Privacy’ dashboard I’m deleting here….oh but this time I’m TERMINATING things.

Wow! Now for the nasty language coming out.

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So what you would expect next would be that when you click the ‘Yes, terminate this account’ button that the account would be completely removed …..but no, this is what appears next. No less than a deactivated account and ‘scheduled’ for deletion.

Now that makes you wonder what it is thats happening in the back end for your account to be fully deleted or as I suspect permanently archived with a ATTENTION stamp all over the archive record.

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So, for the record, Yahoo is not informing me how long this ‘deactivation’ state will be for nor will I know most likely when my account having been ‘scheduled’ is likely to take to be ‘unscheduled’.

I’m giving them a month and then I’ll login and see whether they have fulfilled my request. That is $6.90 per month and rising that I am better off and given that Flickr takes my images up and separates the meta-data from the image then gives you a .ZIP dump of JSON and raw files separated I’ll take my business elsewhere thank you very much.

Significant History

So tonight I’ve discovered that seven layers deep in the bowels of my iPhone I have a list of every single location I’ve ever visited since the history of me purchasing and using an Apple iphone product. In my case that goes back 11 years.

I have the choice to delete the lot of it but as far as I can tell all this is doing is deleting it from my device and the location history will still be stored on Apple’s cloud.

It states that the data is encrypted and Apple cant read it but what’s the purpose of collecting the data and hiding it if they have no intention of ever using it in the first place? Its a bit like putting cameras in the backs of plane seats (Singapore Airlines) and claiming these are not ever going to be turned on.

Here is how I found this magical mystery tour through my iPhone.

Settings App > ‘Privacy’ section > Scroll down to ‘Location Services’ > Scroll right down to ‘System services’ > Navigate to ‘Significant Locations’

The most interesting thing to me is that they are collecting data from before the location marker and after it to, suggesting to me that predictive analysis is being drawn from where I have been, likely to go and whom I am likely to see.

More chilling effects. More reasons why surveillance capitalism must be considered in each and every case of each and every provider we now engage with.

Given how closely tied my digital memory is tied to this provider I question how I can escape alive and still able to function in a society should I choose to ditch Apple too.

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LinkedOut

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The five years of so that I have been a member of LinkedIn I have received no less than 3.225 email notifications from this social media provider even though I had purposefully elected to receive no notifications at all from LinkedIn using their personal account tool.

That is 124 pages of 25 emails per page that I have in my Gmail facility.

To extract myself from this invasion of privacy and countless breaches of my time spend I had to spend over an hour configuring the account through hidden settings to remove the account.

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First of all it was the pleading and begging that if I closed my account I would cut off my contact with 1342 connections and a number of the more prominent contact points named.

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With the opportunity to indicate why I am deleting my account I thought long and hard about what it is about LinkedIn that I emphatically disagree with and wrote it out plainly for them to of course go and analyse.

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To make the best use of my professional life it will occur not locked into this waste of time and space.

Instagram Is History

My privacy concerns regarding Instagram are founded. My Instagram account has now been deleted, supposedly.

My amazing Son, Eamon Phillip Hayes.

Sadly it will probably be my children that give me the most grief as I am no longer ‘visible’ through their own Instagram feed and their perception is that yet again I have dissapeared from yet another part of their life and they are yet to understand why it is that I view the Internet with sinister intent.

After signing up in 2011 amongst the mad ‘web 2.0’ bubble of inculcation as a social web, Instagram or insta served a simple purpose for my own budding aspirations for my digital photos. The square format war had just begun and I was taken with the quick and easy upload (minus manual metadata) options.

Flickr is on my list of to-delete list as I endeavour to claw back time and sanity as we transition from a ‘social networks’ and ‘open web’ through ‘surveillance media’ and deep into the bowels of intractable ‘social credit’, in itself a bastardisation of capitalisation at its worst. Despite the attestations that Jamie P. Horsley positions, social credit is now a web of loosely and yet ever more tightly woven interrogations of our ‘likelihoods’ and that for me is the most worrying trajectory for open social web analysis that triggers insecurity by means of abject enforced conformity.

Our future survival as humans depends on our differences in culture and beliefs, not in algorithms that produce automatons in a virtual brain farm called Singularity. A camera only looks at things but humans see more than looking, yet humans are fickle creatures who easily trade seeing for looking good and surrendering their humanity in the process.

So let's examine how my Insta became my Outsta, noting that I am still mid way through trying to extract myself from the web of the Instagram parent ship, Facebook. 

Screenshot: Option to disable Instagram Account

The following ‘personal’ details (screenshot above) thanks to Facebook and Instagram are now plastered through the Internet and nothing I can ever do will thwart anyones inquiry as to whether I am male (binary), what my Instagram username was (remains), what my cell phone number is (perhaps) and what my email contact is and has been since I first claimed a domain back in 1996.

A simple Google (do no evil haha) search engine request under anything using a combination of the details below will point you principally to my core domain, of which I wrest some form of supposed control via my service provider Squarespace (under review since I’ve read Amelie Lamont’s account), more so than this tracking application called Instagram that has as part of the Facebook suite of companies sold my details off to the highest bidder.

No thanks Instagram. You did not have my permission to make that information accessible given I made sure I ticked the ‘private account’ option only to locate fresh instances of Insta derived meta interfering with my life matter.

Much like Damián Le Nouaille-Diez, my own experiments with the Instagram OSX application which demanded microphone access upon installation last year sealed the fate of this platform as my preferred cell phone photo sharing app. Privacy matters to me in ways that Facebook (that owns Instagram) is trying to remove from us all and my shift shaping claw-back of digital interaction that is lost the moment these applications are loaded to our wearable computer, the ‘cellphone’.

I need a neck hammock but I will not be told that Amazon has the best deals for a purchase with a $20 credit to my Facebook group account to buy Facebook advertising delivered as mid-feed advertisements in Instagram. Likewise, my Facebook messenger app….well that's another Medium story yet to be written.

As it is for Cody Engel, the realisation that every interaction I’m making through these mobile internet enhanced applications that are metrically shaping my digital profile elsewhere is chilling.

Screenshot: Delete Instagram account interface

So, last night I made the move to request my data be removed from Instagram and of course I was presented with the moralist overture that I’ll be missed by my contacts, that my ‘friends’ will cease to be able to communicate with me and that I should consider just disabling my account first and re-consider my request all together. To suggest I am not of the right frame of mind to make decisions for myself at anytime is both derogatory and assumptive. It’s also ethically maligned with the manner in which I signed up to use the service and the continually changing monster of ways in which my personal data has been on-sold to marketeers, dodgy corporations and government national security profiling agencies that I consider is a breach of privacy.

Therefore, with the .ZIP file exported I deleted my Instagram account. How I felt after having done so is of no matter to anyone but myself however I am sure the sentiments of others would be similar. One less application sucking my whereabouts and howsabouts to waste time looking good through.

My account information, my interaction rates, my pickups and product interactions and the myriad of other features drilling aspects of this Facebook controlled application have driven me to ‘delete’ my account….knowing full well that Facebook never deletes anything.

Facebook (I’m certain) simply hides my historical ‘me’ until such time as they can profit on my past in the present. Secrecy is after all their core social sorting motivation and they achieve that transparency by drilling their ‘death blue star’ algorithm into any human-being-human possible.

This is my attempt at shift shaping from web 2.0 into web 4.0 with enough time on my hands to position my naive fanboy web 2.0 as benign before our Orwellian past supersedes our always on future. Goodbye Instagram.

(Also published on Medium )

Their Product Is Me

No doubt you are thinking to yourself “…oh here we go again…Alex is deleting his Facebook account.” Well, I’m going to make the process open for comment so if you are not at all concerned by Facebook’s invasion of your privacy please close this tab now.

“..Facebook knows so much about you they can make you believe they’re listening to your personal conversations. They have so much data about you they can send you ads that have an uncanny relevance to what is going on in the real world.” - Nat Eliason - Available at https://medium.com/s/story/yes-you-should-delete-facebook-heres-why-bc623a3b4625

LOIC VENANCE/AFP/Getty Images

For those of you who are interested, read on.

This post is a running (updated) record of the convoluted and criminally complicit account of how Facebook has turned my private sharing and interaction with others as a ‘service’ into a manifest of everything about me for their own consumption breaching my own accords of PRIVACY. There are countless cases of stolen identity, cyber bullying, appropriation of personal information, skimming, scamming and a trillion plus points of data theft that FACEBOOK is stealing from you.

Here is an account of what it will take you to escape this largely automated encapsulation of your YOU, you life pattern, your emotional selves….your spiritual archetype as a digital personae and how they control you through this channel.

I am now choosing NOT to participate in Facebook’s algorithm (after ten years of Facebook use) which creates anxiety in it’s socially sorted users, promotes violence in its proximal adware, fosters fake ‘news’, generates an addiction to checking-rechecking (I found myself looking at the screen every 55 seconds) which is a disaster for human circadian clock and ability to interact, plan or organise anything with others using terms other than ‘…in Facebook.‘

My decision to leave Facebook I understand will be mediated by others who are trapped within its confines and is subject to my own facial recognition and profile which has already been used against me - now and into the future. Their product is ME (and YOU) and I object to this use of me for their own commercial, municipal, judicial and military purpose.

The systematic abuse of their service over my whereabouts, my contacts, interests, keystrokes and even their co-design of purposeful misspellings and repeat designed grammar failures (which I have to manually correct to generate a ‘post-change-log’) I consider abhorrent. So, here is the step I took to reduce (never eliminate as they keep a record of everything I posted and did anyway) this death blue star of a racket where their product is ME.

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As of 24 Thursday, January 2019 Facebook provides via your account settings the ability to ‘download your information’ and unbelievably (because I do not believe it) the ‘Delete your account and information - permanently delete your Facebook account and information’ option. Given I’ve tried this before ( read this post - I will need to do so after I’ve worked out what it is they have stored on my account of me through time, so, knowing my account is huge (I’ve had it since Facebook was dreamed up nine years ago and released) I will have to do so after backing up their bot ridden JSON data onto my Facebook specific drive I’ve used for this purpose.

Download Your Information - Range and Type

Not surprisingly Facebook provides the option per ‘type’ as a HTML or JSON file which ambiguously ‘you have a few days to download’ so knowing I’m not likely to trawl through 9 years of data and review every post I’ll be taking the JSON option and will use a compiler (not a browser) to view the data if I ever need to in the future.

Well….that’s the plan anyway, so let’s see how that goes. Afterall, it will join my already immense online digital me and facebook created the monster it wanted in us all - unthinking, addicted, consumer focussed USERS.

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Your File Is Being Processed

As you will note above I selected the ‘posts’ only option in JSON format at high quality yet when I clicked ‘create file’ it defaulted the result back to ‘all of my data’ in ‘HTML’ format and ‘medium’ quality. Then, as you will note below that file which is correctly labelled will now be made available ‘well let you know when its complete and you can download it to your preferred device’. Of course this means I need to log back into Facebook and check it wont I?? Their vain hope is that I’ll abandon the process and of course the file I created will auto expire and their will be no visible request that I made that request nor will the access to the file be registered as a log I can access. * Note To Facebook Developers - this is a purposeful and deceitful manner in which to conduct business with ‘users’ when the data you have collected is my personal information and not yours - hint, make the file immediately download accessible and do so without restriction…and don’t give me any bullshit about your servers cant cope with loads when I know a 4 MB photo uploads to your server in 0.001 of a microsecond.

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Well 16 minutes later I received a notification by email that the data I had requested was available for download via ZIP file but to access that file I would need to log back into my account using my current password which I have stored in a password vault and wait for it…..surprise, surprise that very same current password ‘was incorrect and I would need further verification’.

Then it dawned on me that there is yet another verification service linked in to Facebook that I haven’t yet cut the umbilical service for. Yet another string of tasks you will need to do to cut the bind-tie on this lot….de-authenticate every known application and service that you have used with a Facebook log-through.

Ten minutes of stuffing around and a new password later I was able to access the file and it was downloaded. So that brings me to the file downloaded.

Export All Data

So here I am an hour later considering downloading using the 'select all’ function and wondering whether this will work at all but willing to give it a try. After all, now that I’ve been prompted to authenticate by password FOR THE THIRD TIME whilst I am already logged in anyway…so it’s a goer and I have eight gigabytes in total (they say) that I’ve got stashed across the blue poisonous web.

So look below and marvel at the myriad of what they collect on me, market elsewhere of me and create me in a likeness of the me they think they wanted me to be.

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Eight Gigabytes And More

To be exact, eight point six two gigabytes of data and more. It beggars belief how many hours I wasted scrolling through pointless rubbish trying to find something worth reading, finding myself ‘liking’ those nuggets amongst the quagmire of rants, raves and rubbish piled high. Seeing the screaming imbeciles and pointless and mindless trolls who thought that their keyboard warrior status would surmount their inept and useless lives. Those asshats that run ‘private’ and ‘members only’ groups who didnt think I could see in the back end of their devils advocate. Mindless spinning GIFs and countless fucking dinner plate photos, here’s-me-looking-good selfies and so the list goes on.

We were all promised so much and yet it delivered so little. Oh…and yes there was a great deal of good that it delivered too but this will be the true test.

Which of you are actually my friend? Given this isn’t an egotistical exercise rather an exercise of free will and expression of malcontent, which one of you reading this post in my own personal website might actually make contact with me after I’ve disappeared from your ‘feed’ and your ‘notifications’ and ‘nudges’ and ‘bumps’ and all manner of other nasty anti-social cues that Facebook had us test on each other!!

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The Data Is All Mine(d)

So there it is above, the dirty data all lined up as far as Facebook would claim to have harvested it. True be told they haven’t included all of THEIR DATA that they mined and what they did with it, nor am I provided with anything that they onsold or benefitted from, nor have I profited from nor received any benefits financially or otherwise from what they have done with this 8.62 GBs of ME.

Leaving Groups

I set about removing myself from groups and have selected the ‘prevent others from re-adding me to groups’ feature which should never have been integral to group functioning in the first place. This coercive and dishonest feature set is tantamount to the analogy that I could be subscribed to a fascist Nazi party by an unknown random of which I have to ‘decline the invitation’ in order to maintain my dignity and integrity. What a malicious mindset this platform has been designed with.

No. I don’t at all feel like I am missing out on my inclusion in these Facebook communities as what I’ve discovered is that they are ‘cluster-bubbles of myopia’ predominantly which largely do not factor highly in what effects change in society, nor my absolute reality. Nior do I want to be part of Facebook’s grasp on power of ‘reporting’ others for their trolling or bad behaviour…that’s not Facebook’s role in society and this whole ‘social credit’ model that it is following is unethical, malicious and degenerative.

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Notifications

So as I retracted from all the varied groups that I was enmeshed with I noted that a whole series of notifications began appearing on historical photos I thought I’d buried long ago. Even though I’ve never followed NITV because I dont agree with their copyright clauses on cultural material, their tendency to expire content weeks after releasing it and their Government funded make-everything-look-good only mandate I was sent notifications…

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Password Re-Entry

Just as I was switching between ‘settings’ and 'noting that the delete groups would only occur in 14 days after my instigation to rid them I saw a new category in the settings area labelled ‘Running Advertisements Related To Politics or Issues of National Importance’ so I decided to see what it entailed. Oh no…of course not….even though I am damned well logged in already they want me to log in yet again. Fail.

Double trouble authentications when you already have my device type, IP address, location and my secure password and you want it again ? Forget it.

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Running Advertisements Related To Politics or Issues of National Importance

So here we go with how Facebook is now mediating anyones free will and their ability to make anything of any matter which might run foul of the (i)moral police state that we descending into. The steps to confirm identity include everything short of providing a urine sample although I’m sure in the future that will be mandatory too!

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Location Settings

Given Facebook has seeded all known public surveillance programs with my visual identity, turning off location tracking you would think is a complete waste of time and you are right. Click on the location history tab and not only have they tracked you locally but they have tracked you all round the world. For what reason? My personal safety? In case of national emergency? More like in likelihood of Facebook’s quest to know everything of me and everything I am in contact with.

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Advertisement Preferences

By default you don’t get any opportunity to stop advertisements in Facebook EVER and yet here they go and give you the idea that by switching this on and thet on that ADVERTISEMENTS ARE GOING TO BE GOOD FOR YOU! What a croc of crap. That’s all this algorithm is about - controlling through a channel of what you see, what you do and ultimately what you think!!

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Unfriend Your ‘FRIENDS’

Well, here is the most controversial and gut wrenching (not) element that Facebook preys on entirely to suck you back into itself, even if you want to escape it’s clutches. Heaven forbid! Unfriend your friends! OMG the whole world is going to collapse. What is going to become of my social life? How will I ever know what is going on in the world? What will my Family think? How will I connect with my children? Help!!!!! I cant get out of here. My friends and all my fake friends will know I have unfriended them all. Oh what a calamity!! The horror of it all!!!

Send me an email. Call me direct. You know the drill. be a REAL friend yeh?

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Unfollow The Followers

So they took all that effort to click ‘follow’ and suddenly I felt amazing because I had ‘followers’! It stroked my ego (not) and made me feel important (not) and suddenly my Facebook bubble of 330+ ‘friends’ and fake friends all thought my world would collapse if in my unfollowing their follow wouldn’t appear in their follow list ….gah….the whole premise is baseless and benign.

Facebook, this is not how the world works and your crazy asshat manner in which you DESTROY CONFIDENCE of the manner in which we do value each other. This whole concept of ‘follower’ is like a surveillance by association and again I reinforce, it’s baseless and simply automating what we once used to value in what each other actually used to say!

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Claim Offer

So there I am thinking that I’ve finally managed to tame the beast of return when all of a sudden I am presented with yet another piece of digital candy trying to lure me back into ‘using’ Facebook as the ‘user’. Here I am supposed to click on ‘Claim your $30 offer’ and apply it to advertisements within its own platform!

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Fake Friend

Having deleted every single person from my friend list I was then given a new ‘fake’ friend. Isn’t it interesting how ‘friends’ have been used as a accomplices to a platform that keeps baiting its users with a false sense of security, a convenient filter bubble that keeps on sucking its users back in for more ‘likes’ and every other wink and nudge point.

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Cancel Deletion

Well here I am two weeks later trying to delete the groups I’ve created in Facebook because I cannot delete my own profile until I have first deleted my groups….and on top of that I cant delete the groups for a further four days after being informed firstly it was a two week period. I’ve now got a ‘cancel deletion’ prompt now appearing below the ‘Claim your $30 Offer’.

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A Bit About Me

Photo: Alexander Hayes

Photo: Alexander Hayes

A response to the following questions for those following my journey now here in the Kimberley region of Western Australia. Here is a link to that #realstory I spoke about in this interview - https://www.livingwell.org.au/from-men/stories-of-mens-experience/alexs-real-story/


Interview with Dianna Marr on 13th November 2018

Q1. I suppose this could be an introductory question and that you could shuffle it so that it is can you tell us a little bit about yourself, background, what you are passionate about and let us know who you are?

Q2. Can you tell us what you are up to up there and what sort of things you do?

Q3. As far as drug law reform goes can you articulate your views,  how we met and can you please tell us how our philosophy is in common?

Q4. It strikes me Alexander that you have got a really organised network and a really strong team of people and I believe we are getting ourselves organised along those lines so how can we help you and how can you help us?

Q5. I sent you through that invite for the Greens to what they call the peoples dinner about corporations buying their way into our democracy, now a lot of us are members of different parties and that doesnt matter because you keep your friends close and your enemies even closer can you attend this event...can you make it on the 19th...you are back in Perth?

Q6. Finally, is there anything else...is there anything else to add or you would like to say?



Download the M4A file - 5.2 MB

Download the MP3 file - 14.3 MB

Axon Discussion

In a discussion with a colleague who wishes to remain anonymous I asked a question regarding that persons recent communications with Axon, a law enforcement focussed body worn camera developer and supplier.

The response was;

“…Quite interesting. The person I spoke to explained how the data is actually ingested into the storage and how it is categorised and filed, so that was very useful to get my head around that. 

Asides from that, the responses were what I expected in relation to data security, saying that they have staff dedicated to monitor security breaches, they use Microsoft Azure cloud that has government security standards, and haven't had any breaches to date. 

And the guy was adamant that Axon doesn't have any access whatsoever to the data, and that it is controlled completely by the customer/agency who records the data. He said that Axon is simply the facilitator of the storage. So overall it was interesting.”

Thoughts On Place

Email to Professor Katina Michael

23rd September, 2018 - 5:27 PM

Place being that 'sense of place' - belonging to and grounded in and on Country. The disambiguation and separation between the human and place occurs first in language when ‘Country’ is referred to as ‘THE country’.

Location is a simple term, inanimate and only effective but not affective. The term is derivative of and informed by GPS and GIS in a digital context, as it relates to networks, connections and 'things' yet I would argue humans are not 'things'. The concept of 'things' as artefacts connected to a grid 'reveal' but largely, I would argue, misinform humanity.

It is like the friend of ours who still drives around Canberra using her TomTom GPS that barks orders at her. She says she is too frightened to turn it off as she would not know where to go, would not understand where she was. I argued with her that she never did and hadn't yet arrived in Australia :)

The whole 'method of loci' and the concepts of 'memory palace' bring humans to eternalising these concepts as memory. I think that's what the 'virtual' is...a means to escape the physical reality, the dirty and ethics devoid ways in which we have let placeless corporations take over our terra firma.

Corporations as placeless, largely ethics averse entities that exist in 'placelessness'. 

Roger That

me

For as long as I recall I've pushed this body, this container that I was born into to its known limits and beyond that too. I am writing the following in the hope that this will perhaps help anyone else reading this with their own lives in their own way.

Some people will accuse me of fishing for sympathy but as I've discovered the sharing of this type of information in some case will save a life or at best help others who are in similar situations fighting in life rather than living a life worth living.

At age 14 I attended a consultation with a rheumatologist in Rockdale, Sydney after presenting with sacroiliac pain [ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacroiliac_joint ] to a doctor repeatedly over months before. I was informed that the blood tests that had been taken the week before confirmed I was Human Leukocyte Antigen (HLA) B27 positive [ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HLA-B27 ]

The stats run this way:

"...The prevalence of HLA-B27 varies markedly in the general population. For example, about 8% of Caucasians, 4% of North Africans, 2-9% of Chinese, and 0.1-0.5% of persons of Japanese descent possess the gene that codes for this antigen.[1] In northern Scandinavia (Lapland), 24% of people are HLA-B27 positive, while 1.8% have associated ankylosing spondylitis."

So you can see by those statistics that the condition that is genetically transmitted and transmuted, is also much higher per population average for caucasians and that is me of course. Another interesting factor that speaks to the rarity or likelihood of ever exhibiting traits of Ankylosing Spondilytis is as follows:

"...For example, while 90% of people with ankylosing spondylitis (AS) are HLA-B27 positive, only a small fraction of people with HLA-B27 ever develop AS. People who are HLA-B27 positive are more likely to experience early onset AS than HLA-B27 negative individuals."

Well as fate would have it I am one of the few people who exhibits and endures the painful effects of the degenerative condition. I am also of the few people who also exhibit other associated pathological conditions as a result of being HLA-B27 positive.

"....In addition to its association with ankylosing spondylitis, HLA-B27 is implicated in other types of seronegative spondyloarthropathy[7] as well, such as reactive arthritis (formerly known as Reiter's Syndrome), certain eye disorders such as acute anterior uveitis and iritispsoriatic arthritis and ulcerative colitis associated spondyloarthritis. The shared association with HLA-B27 leads to increased clustering of these diseases.[8] "

So, in summary here is how my Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) condition has manifested itself in me over the years progressing from teenager to adulthood using a Wong-Baker Faces Pain Rating Scale [ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wong-Baker_Faces_Pain_Rating_Scale ] and also noting how many times I've presented at hospitals for assessment, pain relief or admission for treatment for that pain specific or combined:

  • Sacroiliac pain - is the joint between the sacrum and the  bones of the pelvis - chronic and debilitating ( 6-8 out of 10) - 2 hospitalisations;
  • Uveitis - is the inflammation of the uvea, the pigmented layer that lies between the inner retina and the outer fibrous layer composed of the sclera and cornea -  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uveitis (8 -10 out of 10) - 5 hospitalisations with two of those as ophthalmic emergency;
  • Pericarditis - which is an inflammation of the pericardium, heart tissue sac - full black out with two ambulance admissions to emergency - (10 out of 10) - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pericarditis 
  • Knee Effusionsswelling of the knee (colloquially known as water on the knee) occurs when excess synovial fluid accumulates in or around the knee joint - (8 - 10 out of 10) three hospitalisations with two knee debridements - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Debridement

As per another post [ https://www.alexanderhayes.com/journal/at-the-heart-of-the-issue ] earlier I am now waiting here in the Fiona Stanley Hospital in Perth having been flown down last week by the Royal Flying Doctors service of Australia. So far they have ruled out a heart attack yet have run countless ECG's and cardiovascular tests including an angiogram and talk of installing an Implantable Loop Recorder (ILR) or cardiac monitor which is inserted in the chest cavity under the skin.

There maybe some correlation also with some Vagal Syncopy of which I've fainted a zillion times as a teenager and that of my hypertension and arrhythmia, low BPMs and all the other manifestations which are putting everyone's career spikes on alert.

Discussions are underway about the possibility that there maybe some correlation between my early days of treatments using high doses of prednisone which is a corticosteroid, the drug Sulfasalazine, the anti-inflammatory Meloxicam (Mobic), copius quantities of Oxycodones (Endone) and Morphine, non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAIDs) Ibuforen, acetaminophen or APAPs (Panadol), opioids like Tramadol and probably another ten which I cant think of at this very minute, with that of my present condition. Oh, thats right, add every known inhalation medication such as Intal ( Cromolyn sodium), countless Ventolin puffers Salbutamol, also known as albuterol and marketed as Ventolin) and preventers like Fluticasone propionate (Flixotide or Becotide)  which are hormones that predominantly affect the metabolism of carbohydrates all which did havoc to my teeth and my lungs.

It's obvious to anyone that western medicines have failed me over and over and none more so that now although I must admit the hypertension medication Valsartan which is an angiotensin II receptor antagonist (commonly called an ARB, or angiotensin receptor blocker) that I am on now has probably saved my life on more than one occasion.

Of most likely correlation though between all this drug overdose above and my current (pending) prognosis is the tie between those steroidal and opioid drugs which have lowered and most likely damaged my adrenal functioning to produce the natural corticosteroid known as cortisol.

According to Wikipedia:

"...Cortisol is a steroid hormone, in the glucocorticoid class of hormones. When used as a medication, it is known as hydrocortisone. It is produced in humans by the zona fasciculata of the adrenal cortex within the adrenal gland.[1] It is released in response to stress and low blood-glucose concentration. It functions to increase blood sugar through gluconeogenesis, to suppress the immune system, and to aid in the metabolism of fatprotein, and carbohydrates.[2] It also decreases bone formation.[3] "

It makes logical sense that if you slam your body with drugs that replace the natural functionings of the human body with those of the pharmaceuticals duopoly then the fallout is going to happen through the very functions and organs such as the eyes, heart and liver as a result. I'm also reflecting on how many times I've been hospitalised with things like deep vein thrombosis (DVT) and then been pumped full of Heparin or Warfarin with are anticoagulants to treat and prevent deep vein thrombosispulmonary embolism, and arterial thromboembolism of which in my case I'd had a clot prevented from reaching the brain via my jugular vein.

Anyway, after all of that I sat with a super sexy young doctor here the other night who has an interest in Ankylosing Spondylitis who believes there is a direct correlation between diet, exercise and medical functioning. In some ways through the years I've known all of this through various and many hospitalisations

More specifically her advice is as follows:

  • Low glycemic index diet - low sugar or no sugar forever;
  • Yoga - high level (Asana) low impact flexor;
  • Zero alcohol - ever, never, ever.
  • Zero tobacco - ever, never, ever.
  • Fatty foods - limited, salt free 
  • NSAIDS for pain - Diclofenac (Voltaren) or Ibuforen at most

In essence it would appear that I've used up the 6th life of the nine I've been assigned in a lifetime. I've been told I've narrowly avoided having a stroke.... 

It seems obvious that the link between hypertension and anger results in the body shutting down as an immune response. The same could be said of that with the emotion of anger and the numerous ways it associates our emotional selves to reach out for poisons to mask that anger-slash-fear association.

I've written much about the love-trust relationship with the world and its my greatest challenge yet having largely been subjected to the worst of the worst from those who had been charged with being the best of the best.

 

At The Heart Of The Issue

IMG_6522.jpg

Tonight I am writing this with the intent of sharing for those who follow my life journey is some way a more considered account of what has occurred in the last week complete with photos.

Last Thursday I was parked outside a clients home and was checking my paperwork prior to entering the property. The day prior had been frantic showering, dressing, feeding and minding another client as part of my very part-time role as a Disability Support Care Worker. I'd taken the role on to bring some extra well needed money into the household.

My phone clock said 2:32PM when I noted a sharp metallic taste in my mouth and looking out through the windscreen noting my vision was blurred and I was photophobic. I picked up some paperwork and  blacked out. A minute or so later I became conscious of the steering wheel that my head had collapsed forward into. I immediately picked up the mobile phone and in a haze of lightheadeness and nausea I typed in ".....have just head butted the steering wheel." Pressed send and received a reply back from Magali asking what I meant.

I informed her I'd blacked out in the car. We conversed about not going to the client and going home which was a short distance away. Feeling steadily more nauseated I headed instead to Broome Regional Hospital and presented at casualty - emergency services. Within a minute I was triaged and in a bed being attended to by two amazing doctors who had quickly pulled my file, figured out this was similar to my full blown myocarditis attack in 2016.

A few hours later and I was in the high dependency unit (HDU) with recurrent blood pressure readings of 190/100 and a heart rate of 38 BPM. I had two canulas put in and had long diagnostic consultations with a whole crew of cardio trained doctors and medics. The decision was made quickly to send me to Fiona Stanley Hospital in Perth via the Royal Flying Doctors plane service. A day later and via ambulance I was loaded into the plane by stretcher and 6 hours later with one quick stop at Meekatharra I had landed at Jandakot Airport in Perth.

I've been seen by no less than eight world class doctors now and this is four days later as I await to be seen by the senior cardiologist and team. Tomorrow I am informed I am to undertake a stress echo-cardiagram, then I will be given a drug which will be tracked and scanned via an MRI in my bloodstream. If no discernible effects to the heart are noted then they will consider conducting an angiogram and if that fails to show any results then I will be taken to surgery.

I may have to have an Implantable Loop Recorder (ILR) with a three year battery life which will not only record my heart rates and fluctuations but also provide shock treatment for the heart if it should crash into arrhythmia. So that is the plan and here I now sit waiting for the next chapter of my life to open forward and for my partner Magali and those who have supported us to get better news of an imminent recovery.  I am grateful for the care, empathy and compassion that Magali consistently demonstrates despite my often irrational PTSD rants, neither am I complacent nor expectant for anything more than her amazing company, partnership, perfunctory prose keeping my soul alive.

Magali McDuffie

At the heart of the issue is love.

I fully believe that this can be resolved through a focus on love and trust, rather than repeat discussions and arguments that descend into fear and anger. I know I am the cause of many of the arguments and hostile situations people find themselves in around me and I can only act with love to ensure these do not occur. Fear and anger only results in a collapse of all we know around us and ultimately fear and anger is a self destructive force of no use at all to anyone.

There must be a better way to live a healthier and more fulfilling life than one where every move and mode is mediated through fear and anger.

Love is at the heart of the issue.

Fearlessness

'Lovers' : Photo by Alexander Hayes, Canberra, Australia

'Lovers' : Photo by Alexander Hayes, Canberra, Australia

Interstate travels  provide me with a time to reflect deeper on life and I find myself often quite emotional as these trips are often filled with facing fears of change, new connections which require absolute honesty and sometimes letting go of places where I've lived for considerable periods of time.

These trips require a certain fearlessness.

Given that life is filled with many of these journeys the same foundation for learning can be applied holistically to all of life, so, in my ruminating state the other day I composed a short list of what I believe form the foundation for that state of fearlessness.

  1. Love and trust are at the core of living a powerful and fulfilling life.
  2. Love must guide our communications with everyone.
  3. Anger, fear, guilt and shame that we externalise in our behaviours only produce self destruction and resentment in others, especially our soulful partners.
  4. With courage we can literally replace fear with love and with fearlessness connect with anyone in a loving relatedness.
  5. Our connections and communications with others are fulfilling when we 'face, feel and let our fears go' in effect 'letting go' in order to grow.

In summary, I've learned that love, trust and courage all actioned through an embodied fearlessness are the answer to many of the challenges that arise in a dynamic life worth living. Please pass this post onto those you feel might benefit from the above list and I would love to listen to your feedback. 

Love, Fear and PTSD

Pambula Beach, NSW, Australia - Photograph: Alexander Hayes

Pambula Beach, NSW, Australia - Photograph: Alexander Hayes

Last night after a flurry of messages backwards and forwards on the mobile phone it became apparent to me that my own responses to my partners plea for rational discussion had ceased.

Not only wasn't I making any sense but I was also (and obviously) distressed so we transferred to a direct phone call. Again, the conversation descended into a desperate bid for me to seperate my fears regarding our relationship. The crux of the conversation and the solution is as follows.

From the moment of birth (even that was a struggle) I was taught to fear everything - fear God, fear death, fear everyone....fear even my own ability to make meaning of the world as a 'stupid fucking git'. By the age of 11 I feared any middle aged man given the sexual abuse I suffered till I was 15 years old at the hands of a number of them.

The consequence of sexual abuse is that apart from the scrambled kid code, a deep and resonating fear of intimacy carries forward long after the abject and protracted horror of being violated repeatedly has ceased. Let me explain how that happens and how it comes to be embodied as PTSD in me.

When teenagers start showing an interest in each other by passing notes and going out, fumbling a kiss and finally managing to have sex they are generally in their mid to late teen years at secondary school. In my case  due to the abuse I couldn't understand why ANYONE would want to have sex let alone kiss and hug anyone.

I was attractive by all accounts but a smoulderingly angry young man and certainly not a nice catch for anyone. I hurt many many people in my smug and rejectionist 'me'.

I feared everything about girls and was constantly in fights with boys. I feared my home space and spent a long time avoiding its religious confines. To put it frankly my first relationships with girls were all about protection and I never ever explored with boys or younger men sexually.  When I should have been free and experimenting with others and discovering my sexuality I was imprisoned by a confused and tragic mind.

Effectively the abuse at the hands of a few had killed my passion and compassion, my empathy for much other than self abuse in which I excelled,

Sadly that continued through my twenties and thirties with "failed" relationship after fling after relationship. Marriage I was promised solved all of that as it bound two people as one in a monogamous twist and tlll death do you part. So I tested that theory three times and each time I found myself attacking my partner feeling trapped, confined, controlled and in some cases catatonically sad. That was only exacerbated by children who brought the very best in me out and the very worst in their Mothers around me.

Each time I kept looking for a soulmate loaded with affection only to find myself arguing with a lactating psychopath. Then there was the women I married or partnered with who knew my intimacy weakness and attacked me with it, either restraining it or twisting it so I'd beg to be spooned or beaten for supposed pleasure.

PTSD has strange and wide range of symptoms which manifest themselves over the years and given what I've gone through in my life "it's any wonder you haven't suicided yet" as stated famously by my own birth Mother. For me that societally and familial indoctrination of fear though is the most insidious, most viperous mechanism by which to generate guilt, fear and self loathing. In fact as I've stated somewhere myself, I am the single most effective person at hurting myself, both in the mind and the body.

My self destruction has remarkably left me alive but most of my peers dead. Suicide was always the soft option as live a life a of hell here on earth the hardest path of all.

My fears manifest themselves mainly as others will attest as self destruction. I blame my early experiences of abuse as the single most destructive factors that generated that self hate and subsequent behaviours in my relationships have been about testing that persons trust, about whipping them to the point of rejection to see whether they will leave or not. I fugure if things got tricky I'd just tell them to fuck off and move on. They did and my life has been a living hell as a result.

My principal fear that manifests itself takes shape in a few forms. The fear of abandonment is resolved quickly by whether my partner gets jacked off enough and leaves me. The fear of intimacy leads me to bury my affections in those who are most likely to harm me with it. The fear of loss and grief manifests it and I find myself burying my best friends and watching thousands of others do their best to kill themselves with drugs and alcohol.

I have learned from one single person direct and a multitude of conversations with others that all of it is a lie. My partner Magali McDuffie has taught me that despite my attractions and multiple sexual connections with others, the core to a relationship is built on trust and communication.

Magali has taught me that a soulmate travels the journey through the hard times, but there are limits to that too as self destruction must be resolved by that person and that person alone. The continued self destruction conversation goes nowhere, is destructive and wilfully self indulgent.

If fear is replaced with love then a way forward appears, fear dissolves and new happiness begins.

One facet of that communication is in knowing when fear is permeating my discourse and damaging those around me. I'm very adept at digging rabbit holes in relatedness and making mountains out of molehills especially in areas that are now for me or threaten my current life experience, especially if it involves exploring beyond the confines of a traditional relationship.

So after much discussion and responding well (it will take years of practice to get perfection) to the 'STOP, express the fear, resolve it and exit' prompt I decided to hang up the phone and write an email that explained my fear to Magali indirect first then returned to a spoken conversation.

I wrote a tragic email firstly riddled with insecurities and nasty trite which I then promptly deleted. Truth be told I re-read it and cried deeply, quiet sobs of letting go. I then returned to the keyboard and typed another.

"...Magali,

I fear nothing as I am a courageous person and willing to face each fear myself, alone until it no longer exits. Thank you for encouraging me to be courageous and to trust."

I feel that I can ride on that simplicity for a while until another easier avenue emerges to deal with my fears that surface in bouts and episodes of PTSD. I know I'll never fully rid myself of the trauma and pain of life prior but I'll sure have a stronger way to live an open and honest life and relationships will need to also be the same in order for me to grow well.

No more fear. Love my way forward.

Embrace everything as an opportunity to express love. Get intimate, vulnerable and most importantly love myself as that courageous man who has inspired so many others to love themselves despite their own fears.

Lead the way with love.

Libre Detre

Alexander Hayes & Magali McDuffie - February 2015

Alexander Hayes & Magali McDuffie - February 2015

This is not junk mail and I have not directed you here as part of a marketing campaign. Most importantly this is MY point of view composed and listening to my partner.

This post begins with a caveat - for you the reader. 

Your life choices are not wrong, nor are ours nor is this an exercise in comparison. We are not judging you or anyone else for the choices you make in your life, nor are we asking for you to judge us anymore than you enjoy being judged yourself.

I wrote this post and Magali contributed to it in a bid to be OPEN about who we are and respect you may be offended by who we are but frankly we don't care if you judge us, particularly those with locked belief systems.

This is a steep learning curve for us both and all we have done different is write about our personal experiences PUBLICLY rather than secretly pretending to be that which we are not.

-----------

So....Magali and I both have chosen 'freedom' as the core living truth in our life which we discussed at length at the very beginning of our connection and continue to discuss.

Freedom as in free to be, as we define it, not what others tell us to be. Freedom within constraint of law but always pushing up against societal norms, status quo - Libre D'etre.

We both recognise that we had never (ever) have considered that our life experience and our relatedness as perhaps the greatest legacy or giving back to the world, different to our career aspirations. That realisation that your life story is the inspiration for others.

So it is I write tonight reflecting deeply on something that has happened recently, something so deeply fundamental and (for others) radically untenable in traditional relationships. I say 'radical' only in that myself I know I took a giant leap forward which for some they have always inherently felt they had anyway.

But first some background to this post.

In February 2015 I grappled with fundamental awareness points stating:

"....So, after 46 years of living in every known conceivable arrangement of relationships I have come to a non-binding awareness of the following. I have put them as dot points in a list because I know some of you might like to consider them as separate things but in essence they are all the same and interwoven as one."

I then went onto make a list of all the factors I believe make up who we are and the very constitutions of what relationships are for Magali and I including:

  • We are single, always.
  • The most powerful relationship we ever have is with ourselves;
  • We have many, many, many relationships in our lives and those we have sex with make up a very small proportion of the total count of who we related too;
  • We have only the capacity to have one bonded, fully articulated, affinity centred, trusted relationship - a partner, who essentially is our witness in our life;
  • We can have sex with as many people as we want but we cant have as many people as we want having sex with us;
  • In being open with our partner, in being open with our Family, friends and the world we can be in ourselves;
  • In each relationship (of all descriptions) there are only three things that matter - treat each other well, respect each others differences and to show on a constant basis in an explicit way gratitude for each other;
  • Above all, trust - trust is the core essence to any relationship especially with ourselves.

In late 2016 I went as far as I could dare go in speaking of which we both now speak freely and open publicly. The post at that time focussed on the concept of compersion - https://www.alexanderhayes.com/journal/compersion

I've also written about:

So....the following is an account of how last week I let go and let myself grow.

----------------

FEAR

Strikes at the heart, head.

That hyperventilated feeling, anxious and grabbing for coffee, cigarettes and all those things I know do nothing to quell that fear. A visceral snake-sliding-woosh-feeling that surges from the soles of your feet to an explosion in your head. Everything I had ever read, heard, been advised of punched into me psyche and fear permeated.

JEALOUSY

It cut my day in half and as I tripped into lunchtime I know everything that anyone who had ever taught me to fear letting go...well this was the show. This was the moment I was being challenged, the deepest undoing of my mapped monogamy, my possession of partners, my condescending and hurtful comments made in fear, disguised, heavy salient syrup of fear.

Marriage after marriage, relationship folding furiously from one to another and each time my PTSD saying 'run' yet my soul saying 'stay'. 

REALITY

Magali has always encouraged me to be me (from the very beginning of our relationship).

As a result, with trust, I have been connected physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually with many people over three years.This has of course affected Magali deeply and yet I recall many times my almost unfathomable gratitude that she respected my own needs to connect fully with others which in turn grew our relationship, stronger. We had both expressed numerous times to each other and around our lovers that we are NOT IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP where one, either or both people in a partnership give the other permission to become physical with other human contacts.

We both assert that we have as a single person always had and always will have the FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT to be with anyone at anytime.We are in fact exercising our rights as single people to practise ETHICAL NON-MONOGAMY. 

ETHICAL NON-MONOGAMY

The concept of ethical non-monogamy is both rich and rewarding as described in 'Why ethical non-monogamy is AWESOME and totally worth the extra effort' by http://offbeathome.com/ethical-non-monogamy/

Ethical non-monogamy is often most closely aligned with polyamory, yet again we do not subscribe to that popular definition either as Magali and I share a complex and dynamic relationship which also challenges the polyamorist paradigm.

poly • am • ory

The fact of having simultaneous close romantic relationships with two or more other individuals, viewed as an alternative to monogamy, esp. in regard to matters of sexual fidelity; the custom or practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned - Oxford English Dictionary, 2006

Here are some other great reads in this often contentious discussion area:

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COMPERSION

Compersion is literally 'letting go' in order to grow. As the opposite to jealousy true compersion, practised and in action enables our unhealthy attachments to our partners and those we love to disappear.

So I turned to Magali and said "...you are blessed. Free to be... always were, are. No permissions needed. Not shared as you are not owned. Go connect, enjoy and be yourself in this world."

LIBRE D'ETRE.

I found myself standing there actually saying it.... hearing my own voice knowing it is the other compassionate, spiritual and soulful me the one I had buried away in those fear folds. That 'me' I always instinctively knew was the way forward.

I instantly felt excited, turned on, connected...back in a better space. The day prior amidst a flood of tears I'd scrambled together two pages of notes written mainly to myself, saying everything I'd felt in fear...a string of irrational needy throwaways. These feelings are perfectly normal I'm told and jealousy, fear of abandonment, comparison and self worth flooded through me like a virus.

That list went through the shredder 48 hours later after a long discussion with Magali.

Then there was that meeting in the airport, that intense rush of happiness for you Magali. Seeing you happy, chirpy and back in yourself, radiant and happy.

HAPPINESS

Flushed cheeks. Swagger. Coy grin. Flick of the hair. Thin lip. Naughty laugh. Giggles.

It all makes sense. Seeing your partner happy in themselves and fulfilled is greater than any shared lover tryst. Now a reality and no longer some benign fantasy.

Free to be. Do what you want wherever, with whomever however....with respect. With an intent to grow your relatedness with others. Approaching love and life as a series of relationships good, bad and everything in between. Deep lust. Love. Loss. Grief and the coming back. Growing our connection.

Trust. Always returning to trust. Trust above all else.


“Let me try to throw some light upon what I am trying to tell you. First of all, love always involves freedom. If a man says he loves you and yet denies you your freedom, then you often hate him. Yet because of his words you do not feel justified in the emotion. This sort of emotional tangle itself can lead to continued entanglements through various lives.”
— Seth Speaks - Session 550

EVO, Minecraft, Memory Palace Presentation

I have been invited to connect with participants in the 'Electronic Village Online' (EVO) upcoming events sometime in February 2018 [ change the date here and link to the online event ]

As a presenter I am going to explore the notion of how Minecraft is affecting our method of loci, reshaping (eroding?) our memory palace skills and with the onset and convergence of mixed reality wearable technology in this space how it may be contributing to the shift in humanity as we know it, especially in younger children who are heavily involved in that space (not place).

The following is how I plan to deliver my presentation and connect with that community of adults online as far afield as Dubai and Canada with me located in Australia.

  • Introduction - formal titles, past experience, current projects, links
  • Caveat - technological skeptic / techno-optimist statement 
  • Concepts - realities - augmented / virtual / augmendiated / mixed
  • Technologies - MagicLeap, Hololens, Occulus Rift et al.
  • Notions - Place, country, memory, time (relative)
  • Frameworks - method of loci, memory palace, Kalara, dadirri, socio-ethical
  • Hypothesis - Factions (Minecraft) as neural brain wash, placeless corporations
  • Discussion - power, control, privacy, politics, policing and perception
  • Context - based on links provided
  • Questions - open discussion

Presentation Title

Minecraft: My Experience and Your Dilemma

Abstract

As active agents of sociological change children now challenge the researcher stereotype amidst a battleground of virtual, augmented and mixed reality wearable computing. Fractals once closer to philosophical ramblings of the mathematical in the field of chaos theory are now an educative and neurological rearrangement as STEAM gets creative in Minecraft. A dilemma has emerged as participatory netnography reveals the longer term socio-ethical effects of corporations punching through our privacy firewalls, programming our minds and harvesting our creativity. 

  
Recommended Reading / Viewing

Entitlemania

Source: xnspy.com/

Source: xnspy.com/

I think we have reached saturation point where as parents we have lost our way using old rules to govern new ways of living.

Look at our kids. They are addicted to screens to the point that as parents we are the 'ughs' that inhabit their house. We have become those barking contradictory fools that demand they get home by midnight, driven by a friend because we are too drunk ourselves to drive our own car to go find them. Our credit cards are racked up with all sorts of app store spends and when we threaten them with 'grounding' they laugh and say ' well go ahead then because you are already standing in my room and this where I want to be anyways'.

So you wake up in the morning to them screaming at you as to why they are late to go out for a 'makeover', stumble into the kitchen to find empty four litre ice cream containers, jello plastered all over the bench and a string of ants eating their way through the honey smacko triple whipped cookie crumbs. The car is in for a service yet again from the countless taxi pickups you made as you ferry your ungrateful, unseeing being to and from soccer, football, basketball, party, after party, shopping centre after shopping centre and guitar lessons home again.

You whine to your own parents that you are ignored, pushed, shoved, screamed and threatened with "....you fucking touch my shit in my room again you CUNT AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU". All those lovely photo albums of that cute kid you once knew have disappeared into that unkempt, slovenly, obnoxious, jackass that now occupies your teenagers bedroom. Your garden hose no longer reaches the end of the rose bushes as you trip over the empty bongs in the grass and that rank reek of male urine is what is killing the petunias. 

Long gone are those dinners where you could at worst tell your child to 'shut up and eat dinner' and when you have threatened to smack them they have read you the riot act of 'indecent assault occasioning body harm' or 'you are one step away from a divorce'. You confide in your partner who has taken to rip their hair out in quiet away from the point of conflict and despite the years of their seemingly serene calmness they too have turned into the vice-Superintendent. 

So what has technology taught you in the last decade that you thought you might avoid and unsuccessfully now live by. So the television wasn't that great a babysitter was it? and your benign assumptions that your teenager isn't accessing porn largely went unfounded too. The idea that them having a mobile phone was your security of mind failed as you flick through the candid surveillance shots and video clips they had been sending through the Snapchat without your knowledge.

So now you are standing there pointing your finger at me, the Internet and blaming me for your issues and lack of empathy for your situation. Well it's like this folks. Your idea of security and well being isn't valid anymore. Your kids entitlemania, need for consumerism, capitalist pig tendencies, insatiable greed for Youtube likes is where its all at. Long gone are the 'these are the house rules' as we feed your kids all the shit that they could possibly need to turn your precious little bumpkins into the surly, selfish and viperous soulless drones we need. 

Entitlemania is here to stay and the sooner you get used to the social-surveillance you live within, the lock-step buy-this-then-that instructions and the countless ways we can turn your children against you then the sooner your lives will evolve from that sensitive new age generation blah rubbish you were fed the better.

Love, your entitlemania-ego-rendition-of-you as a fairy queen is long lost somewhere in there as you sob into your pillow. The only antidote to your sickness is wellness and no, Google doesn't have the answer and no amount of prescription drugs, yoga or clandestine flings with that nice person at work will help either.

This is where we as parents admit that its a tough road ahead and no tougher than the road ahead for our kids and what they have to face life without their daily punching bag and foopie blanket to caress. 

 

 

Memory

Memory it seems is and has always been the greatest of power differentials for humanity. 

“For as long as I can remember” becomes a judicial call in judging others, in differentiating and socially sorting those who lack either the cognition for recall or who lack the capability for foresight. 

Cultural memory, personal memory and then a burgeoning digital memory comprised of a myriad of providers that in a conglomerate know more about you, than you of them. That digital memory, that retention of computational power of a changed state, those binary loops of change recorded, retained and replicable is a powerful means with which to challenge the memory of humans.

In recent times combined computational power and retention of the changed state is what is threatening this very fragile era of the anthropocene in what people claim is collapse of an analogue reality into that of a replicable, automated and inhumane Singularity. 

The core question then is what will if mean for humanity if technologies take away our capacity to remember place?  Will our human Memory Palace become a fearful void filled with dystopian nightmares, of science fictions and virtual realities reinforcing capitalist agendas as social factions?

The very same anti-ethical factions underpin plugins for the online game Minecraft which claims an ethos of community, a mirror for society made up of ‘blocks and adventures’ whilst others claim it is a ‘minefield’ for children who are being programmed and brainwashed.

“... With this plugin players group up in Factions. You claim land as your own and build your base. Factions is a self serve anti griefing system. Leaders control who can can edit their faction land. Factions is also about diplomacy and war. You declare wars and forge alliances. You fight over land and manage your monetary expenses.” - https://dev.bukkit.org/projects/factions

When we enmesh ourselves in a virtual reality we are eroding our capacity to connect with place and if we do that, we erode our capacity to retain our culture. Country is our location map for memory and culture is that memory being based on place, not just an inanimate location. Ostensibly, memory constructed as a connection with Country is at the core to culture, to who we are as individuals, of our collectives, tribes and families. 

So the story that is being told here is that it is likely the human computer experience will meld as a cyborg in networked virtual reality yet remains part of the natural environment, exploitative digitally enhanced regimes not separate to nature, rather as part of nature. A failure to recognise the inherent dangers of destroying natural environments is as much about power of those who don't care and those who care enough to stop them.

Survivor Impact Statement

Today it occurred to me that there are a number of survival skills I have learned which may benefit others, so, like everything that I have achieved in the last few years I am going to share them in the hope that they may make a difference in other people's lives.

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