The Emotive Self

Today I sat with a friend and we discussed the many and varied ways in which we respond as emotive beings to the myriad of sensations we experience as a human being.

What surprises me is that it seems many people have no idea or clue as to what state of being they are actually resonating in or in a more ethereal expressions - "...how they resonate for others." I am particularly interested in this area of cognitive awareness and affiliation with self therapy as by gaining and reflecting on what state we occur in we can contemplate as to how other people receive us.

Let me give you an example.

Today I faced a certain reality of frustration at not being able to succinctly 'resolve' a state of disharmony until I realised that in no way did my expressions of impatience resolve the need of the other person who simply was asking to be heard. That simple state of stillness, acknowledging the facts and emotive state of the other and simply moving on.

So it occurred to me to look further into what constitutes those various states that we might move through in any given waking state, sometimes one following the other in fast unison. How insightful it is to contemplate the Plutchik's Colour Wheel of Emotion which makes it easier to understand why our emotional selves are such a busy and energy sapping facet of our human core.

As the diagram suggests everything is interconnected and I would posit that unlike the diagram there are instances where two or more states are experienced in unison or simultaneously. Another aspect to consider is that this is simply one of four domains which we live out and through in any given time.

A colour wheel, segmented, dissected and interlaced could be drawn up for each of the domains being our intellectual self, our physical self, our spiritual selves and of course our emotional self. I hope this post brings about some points of awareness for at least a few readers and more importantly trigger a need for us to examine where the essence of our behaviours originate from rather than simply using basic descriptors and the associated medication counteract.

We are sadly led to believe by medical professions that our constant state of anxiousness is a sole behaviour only solved with chemicals to alter our state of consciousness, to flat line us into submission as good capitalist consumers. The reality is far more complex and it is possible instead to hold forth these colour wheels and point to language far more salient and fitting our mood or personal expressions.

 

Didirrgun

Tonight we had the privilege of sitting on the pidan dunes amongst all the cockle shells listening to Bart Pigram, Uncle Peter Peter's and another Elder tell stories of their time as children on Kennedy Hill, Broome, Western Australia. We listened to another old welcome to country audio stories and then they told us stories about Boogarragarra, the lady in the red dress, the devil dog story, about fishing for stingrays, old men fishtraps down south and also north of Broome.

They also told us sad stories about Aboriginal people being locked up for no reason, for the segregation in Broome, about the exclusion zone of boundary gate. They spoke freely about their times as rascal kids and it was a beautiful moment of feeling welcomed onto Yawuru country. They also spoke of Law and the need for tourists and anyone visiting Broome to know what is culturally significant and sacrosanct and off limits.

The event was part of the Shinju Matsuri Festival that happens annually in Broome, as part of the Jetty to Jetty cultural activities program.

Didirrgun is an old man whose remains now have the Broome Police Station lockup built over.

Protecting Country


Final project journey detailing route from Canberra, ACT to Broome, Western Australia - total kilometres travelled were 7,741 kilometres

Final project journey detailing route from Canberra, ACT to Broome, Western Australia - total kilometres travelled were 7,741 kilometres

An Emancipatory Journey

In July 2017  with the guidance of Bruce Hammond, Tanganekald Traditional Custodian of Adelaide, South Australia in conjunction  Magali McDuffie from Ngikalikarra Media I assisted in bringing the ‘Protecting Country’ documentary film on a screening road trip across Australia. The road trip took 14 days to complete and we travelled over 7741 kilometres through some of the most remote regions of Australia.

Alexander Hayes was accompanied by photographer Liam Wille on this road trip who was responsible for documenting community consultation and also providing additional cut away footage photographs for the final cut of the film.

Screenings

The following locations detail where screenings of the first, second and third rough cuts of the film occurred and where we received feedback from communities to finalise the final cut of the film.

6 July 2017 - Wille Household, ACT Canberra Australia
11 July 2017 - McDuffie Household, ACT Canberra, Australia
12 July 2017 - National Parks Head Office, Weston, Canberra  ACT
12 July 2017 - Ellie Gilbert residence, Kingsley ACT
16 July 2017 - ANU Food Co-op & Cafe - 3 Kingsley St, Canberra ACT 2601 - 6:30 PM
17th July 2017 - Condobolin, Wiradjuri Studies Centre, Condobolin NSW - 1:00 PM
18th July - Winch Family residence, Balranald - 5:30PM
19th July 2017 - Mildura Mallee District Aboriginal Services, Mildurah - 1:00PM
20th July 2017 - Adelaide - 'The Joinery', 111 Franklin St, Adelaide SA 5000 7:30 PM
21st July 2017 - Port Augusta, South Australia
22nd July 2017 - Hawker, South Australia
23rd July 2017 - Iga Warta Community, South Australia
23rd July 2017 - Nepabunna Community, South Australia
24th July 2017 - Bungala Aboriginal Corporation, Port Augusta, South Australia
24th July 2017 - Umeewarra Aboriginal Media Association, Port Augusta, South Australia
18th August 2017 - Coconut Wells Community, Broome, Western Australia

Screening at Coconut Wells community on the 18th August 2017

Screening at Coconut Wells community on the 18th August 2017


Alexander Hayes & Sharpie Coulthard previewing the 'Protecting County' film on the 23rd July, 2017 at Iga Warta Community, South Australia.

Alexander Hayes & Sharpie Coulthard previewing the 'Protecting County' film on the 23rd July, 2017 at Iga Warta Community, South Australia.

What Is The Film About

The film features many well known Aboriginal Elders and leaders from the Andymanthana, Barngarla, Tanganekald, Anangu, Pitjantjatjara, Yankunytjatjara communities of South Australia who provide their account of how important it is for all Australian’s to protect country from past, present and planned uranium mining and nuclear dump activities. Contributors featuring in this film include Karina Lester, Bruce Hammond, Regina McKenzie, Tauto Sansbury, Vince Coulthard, Sharpie Coulthard, Ty Butler, James Butler, Clarrie Coulthard, Stephen Atkinson and Steven Harrison.

Clifford Coulthard & Alexander Hayes discussing the final edits for the 'Protecting Country' film at the  Iga Warta Community - 24th July 2017

Feedback

Further feedback from Clifford Coulthard was received when we arrived in Iga Warta Community in South Australia which was incorporated into the third and final cut of the film as well as photographs taken by Liam Wille, Photographer during that journey.

The road trip commenced on the 17th July 2017 departing from Canberra, Australia travelling through and featuring private and public screenings  in the cities and towns of Canberra, Condobolin, Hay, Balranald, Mildura, Adelaide, Hawker, Nepabunna and Iga Warta.

We had intended on then travelling through Maree, William Creek, Oodnadatta, Coober Pedy, Marla, Alice Springs, Yuendumu, Tanami, Halls Creek, Fitzroy Crossing, Derby and through to Broome, Western Australia. 

Sorry Business

Whilst we were in Iga Warta we heard news that Yami Lester, late Father of Karina Lester who features in the film had sadly passed away.

Source: http://www.sbs.com.au/nitv/nitv-news/article/2017/08/08/yami-lester-farewelled-state-funeral

Source: http://www.sbs.com.au/nitv/nitv-news/article/2017/08/08/yami-lester-farewelled-state-funeral

Yami Lester is and always will be a key figure, a leader and respected anti-nuclear campaigner, a Yankunytjatjara man, an Indigenous person of northern South Australia. Lester, who survived nuclear testing in outback Australia, best known as an anti-nuclear and indigenous rights advocate - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yami_Lester 

To honour cultural sorry business and to respect the rights of Yami's Family and Relatives we did not screen the first cut of the Protecting Country film as we travell edup from Port Augusta and onto Coober Pedy, Alice Springs, Katherine, Halls Creek, Fitzroy Crossing, Derby and Broome - read more about this here > http://www.ngikalikarra.org/news/2017/7/24/james-yami-lester

Public and private screenings of the film were resumed with cultural consultation as of the 17th August 2017 with a screening of the second cut of the film at the Djugun Community of Coconut Wells, Broome, Western Australia.

Why Makes This Film

The mining of uranium and the nuclear debate in Australia continues to divide communities and devastate the Australian environment. Nuclear tests in the 1950’s and the 1960’s have catastrophically affected Aboriginal nations and communities across South Australia. This film brings those voices forward which popular news and media negate as well as provide anyone who interacts with this journey an opportunity to provide feedback to the Ngikalikarra Media team.

Sponsorship

A call for sponsorship across social media platforms and direct marketing was made in mid June 2017 and throughout the screenings road trip.

You can download the sponsorship prospectus here 

Sponsorship funding was used towards the costs of fuel for transport, accommodation, meals and any additional hiring of equipment. We are immensely grateful to the following contributors for making this return of film back on country possible.

Isabelle Boreham
Dilys Norrish
James Osinga
Nola Crocket & the Stokers Siding Community, NSW
Glenelg Art Gallery, Glenelg, South Australia
Wiradjuri Languange Centre, Condobolin, NSW, Australia
Stephan Ridgway
Julie Collereda
Deb Meleluca
Christopher Simpson
Ingvar & Chrystle Wille
Sunshine Connelly
Steven Atkinson
Will Kirtland

The project team raised $1350 in sum total in cash and were afforded free accomodation, meals and other hospitality on the trip from Canberra as far as Coober Pedy, South Australia. The remainder of the trip from Coober Pedy through to Broome, Western Australia was completed using our own funding.

 

Justice

In society we are grown from a young person to believe that if we are harmed or even threatened that there is a natural recourse for this action under the premise of justice, that 'Law' will ensure retribution, order and balance will be retained.

What many sexual assault survivors have shared with me is that despite their own testimony, the incarceration of those proven guilty or perhaps as I understand now, many of those who never speak of their crime against their own humanity, despite it all the "prison" of the mind for shame, guilt, pain, aloneness is never resolved. 

Here is the newspaper article published - http://www.theleader.com.au/story/4774057/boys-assaulted-on-church-camps-in-royal-national-park/?cs=1255

In Facebook today, which is an open public post I wrote:

"....31 years later, today, I was informed that 11 counts of sexual assault have been laid, bail refused by Police, seven counts for my case and four others. There is no 'get over it' rather I have come to live with the destruction that caused as a result in my life. I am a survivor not a 'victim' irrespective of what any legal institution may choose to call me. For those of you who stood by me together we walk forward, for those who chose to walk away because it was too hard to hear, too much to face, too busy to care well ..... no oxygen. My mission will never change from listening to, reaching out and helping those who stand up. May those who consider themselves exempt, treacherously powerful, wilfully perverted and outside of Justice...so you too will fall divided, not me."

In reply a person replied as follows.

menthriving

Thank you Brian.

It is people like you who walk forward and who have great power in your ability to share your own empathy with others. For that I am honoured and greatly encouraged.

So, the purpose for my post tonight is to honour, respect, acknowledge, admire, love and embrace all of those of you who will never speak out against your perpetrators for whatever injustice you have encountered. This post is written to those who have the greatest fear of all that you will be abandoned, that your world will end, that you will lose everything you know if you do speak out against those who perpetrate sexual assault.

The reality is you MUST forgive, bring your case forward, pursue your own ethical position on this crime against humanity and hold to account those who have affected your life in this disastrous way. Those institutions you think will give you that peace will never resolve your case.

Those very same systems of supposed societal justice will only ever serve your purpose if you stand up and speak out against your crime and you must be kind to yourself, protect others and get motivated to live a life worth living. If you have the courage then go and write, speak and shout your #realstory to the world who are the only court who will ever bear witness to your feelings.

Please share my story - https://www.alexanderhayes.com/realstory/

 

 

Malkay My Name

Last year the Nyikina community of Derby and Broome Western Australia gave me a Nyikina name during a smoking ceremony.

I am happy because I've been sent a photo of Alex Smith who I was named after and his family taken at Yurmulun community (Pandanus Park). The photo was sent to me by my Niece, Pat Riley who is the acting CEO out there at Pandanus Park.

Alex-Smith-Malkay

Mum Maudie Ningella, Nana Buna (Topsy Lemon), Uncle Mulgai (Alex Smith) and Jabbo Manya Riley

Taken in front of house 39 in Pandanus Park Yurmulun in the 80's

Micklo Corpus Camp Yulleroo

event-camp-yulleroo

Over the last few days there has been a flurry of activity over at the camp that Micklo Corpus, senior Law man and Yawuru Traditional Custodian has manned for over two years on Yawuru country.

The camp is situated approximately 80kms out of Broome, Western Australia on the road to Derby. That is, the camp WAS situated there, complete with cyclone proof sheds and shelters that Broome Council have deemed illegal. Mick spoke to me of the continued threats and harassment he has endured including court cases and police harassment to push him off his traditional country.

A whole bunch of Micklo's supporters have over two days helped him remove right down to the last remaining bottle top from a small piece of this pristine country. Micklo's fight has been to keep it that way, yet Mitsubishi and its bastard cousins Buru Energy along with Australian federal, state and local Broome Council have forcefully acted in genocide as they seek to frack mine this country.

The following few photos document Micklo's camp being dismantled. Micklo who is down but not beaten has vowed to take this fight out to an international audience and it's with these fighting words that I've vowed to help him in that mission. As I consider Micklo's fight a testimony to his battle to protect his country, there is an urgency now in protecting this pristine Kimberley region from what would otherwise be an ecological disaster of poisoned aquifer water and fractured country that can never be repaired again.

 

You can see more of these photos here - https://flic.kr/s/aHskZBTrS3

I consider the actions of Broome Council in flagrant disregard of international evidence that frack mining results in damage to country, the actions of certain individuals who sit on the boards of corporations that support mining and rampant development in the Kimberley to be illegal, of genocide in nature, calculated devastation of country. So, as fate would have it I am meeting Micklo on his campsite with my video camera tomorrow and we will together face down these animals who disrespect this man, this community, this very nation.

Notes On Sex Abuse

IMG_1076.JPG

Sitting here reflecting on a fortnight of blessed hell if there is such a thing. 

Given I am not even an atheist (existentialist, pansexual iconoclast yes) then no, there is no god, no conveniently off earth heaven, nor hell. Jesus Christ was a human, not a phenomena befitting a total tax free scourge of community.

So I reported my 33 year old crime against humanity to the Royal Commission into Sexual Abuse of Children, the Australian Federal Police and now I have a team of detectives hunting down the key perpetrator and five other accomplices that raped me, attacked me and held me against my own liberty over a four year period.

As is typically reported  by other survivors my own parents disbelieved me upon telling them aged 15, 18, 40. Coincidentally dear reader did you know that the average duration of time between the last perpetration and the point of reporting it to police is 33 years? 

True. Go look it up.

Again, typically, other males immediately upon hearing the news oscillated from "...why didn't you fight back" through to "...lets go kill the cunts". My answer being that a skinny eleven year old repeatedly attacked by adult males upwards of one hundred kilograms as cogent a memory as sick is their fantasy.

Upon hearing that I forgave the individuals and would not be dedicating the rest of my life to seeking monetary compensation, I have had numerous people cut me off with a final remark about how I "...didn't value my own life or that of others who have been abused."

My retort has been "....My innocence was priceless. Compensation equals crime divided by consequences equals child sex slave. The answer is in prevention not some sick capitalistic bullshit payment so kindly fuck off back to your malls and mortgages."

There have been death threats - "....go neck yourself you sick victim." and there have been well meaning mothers indicating that "...while we trust you we think you need to be helping yourself." My answer "...I don't need your platitudes nor your fear. Be warned that your own children are at extreme risk from those you most respect in those institutions you bow down to as sheep."

Then there is the repeat mantra from those who have got nothing better to say other than to repeat "....well I hope you find healing by this reporting and that connecting with others will rekindle your life flame."

Vomit.

For fuck sake actually respond after you have been LISTENING. My name is not "...VICTIM." 

My name is Alexander and I am a survivor.

Then there is the odd angel who upon seeing me crushed, lying on a hospital bed with blood pressure of 170/112 stated "....Alex I don't know if anyone has said this to you yet but I'd like to thankyou on behalf of humanity for your courage to speak out and in doing so you will save the lives of others and give hope to those still living in hell unable to speak of their own tragic story."

So how is it that my life has suddenly taken a massive new trajectory?

I think it is that in embracing death itself and knowing that there is nothing worse than a living hell that it gave me the capacity and capability to help others who have not had the same courage to speak out.

I expect NOTHING from the process of the Royal Commission. 

No apology is suffice and my deep set hatred of the Royal family, the Westminster pillage, the pomp and ceremony while millions suffer should be enough to indicate that I see the process as no more than a historical coverup, largely faciltated by the very perpetrators, the religious institutions themselves.

As I have indicated elsewhere I see the internet as my hansard and long after I have passed over and long buried my earth bound story will keep rebounding through humanity.

I see trial by social media as the current main mechanism for sending the chilling effect to each and every sick viper that preys on the vulnerability of children as sexual pleasure, as a warning to all Munchausen mothers suffocating their kids with "love" and as a direct attack on the institutions that I'd happily see bulldozed and outlawed.

No, I wont "get over it." 

If that is your underlying feeling as a reader, to tell me to get over it, then you too can fuck up and log off. 

I will live with it, accept it, draw courage from it and I may even keep sharing it, always. Frankly I don't care what you do with my story, rather, take the hint, get tough but gentle and share your own story everywhere.

Keep sharing it and live with your sexual abuse if that is your unfortunate but fortunate reality. They scrambled your code but they don't own your soul.

Own it.

Go be productive with your life left.

Courage To Accept Sexual Abuse


I've recently taken my personal story to the Royal Commission into the Sexual Abuse of Children here in Australia which has heard thousands of despicable acts perpetrated by multi denominational Churches and supposed centres of religious excellence across this country since colonisation over two hundreds years ago by the British.

Numerous hearings have led to cases being heard and numerous arrests being made of perpetrators so far.



"...The Royal Commission holds formal public hearings to examine evidence about child sexual abuse and how institutions responded to allegations of abuse. Each public hearing examines a different case study." - http://www.childabuseroyalcommission.gov.au/public-hearings/case-studies

I have also taken my personal story and lodged a criminal case against one key perpetrator and four accomplices over a 5 year period, as well as numerous individuals including Anglican Church clergy and senior church members who are accessories after the facts who withheld my abuse from authorities for over thirty years. This criminal case has been lodged with the Australian Federal Police as well as the New South Wales Police in Sydney Australia to ensure that my case is not only heard but criminal convictions sought from all of those who failed to protect me as a child.

I will be one of the few who have reported this and will pursue this across all agencies until I know my key perpetrator and associates are jailed or similar.



"....Every Anglican Church diocese in the country bar one has received complaints of child sexual abuse in the past 35 years, a report has found." - http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-03-17/anglican-church-ashamed-child-sex-abuse-royal-commission/8363126

The purpose of this personal blog post is to reflect on the recent interviews I endured as I provided a Witness Statement with New South Wales Police which required me to detail everything that happened to me over a two day intensive interview. I will from now forward be ongoing interviewed and examined from all perspectives as the Police bring into account the multitude of those I am seeking to corroborate on my case. 

It is a known fact that many survivors of such horrific abuse do not report of these crimes sometimes up to 30 years on average after the last points of perpetration. This is due to a range of complex reasons include physical threats by perpetrators, fear of incriminating innocent people, shame, mental health and other real issues.

Over the last 34 years I have myself received death threats, cyber bullying, physical altercations including assault, exclusion from social events, defriending and so on which has had a massively detrimental affect on my Family, children, friends and colleagues. Many, many people have chosen to cease communicating with me due to my often erratic and self destructive behaviour.



In short, I feel that I almost passed away (again) two days ago as I spoke about the worst of what happened to me as far as sexual abuse specific incidents are concerned. I almost passed out in shock at this main interview as I recollected and visually pictured myself as I have millions of times since those incidents. I felt my heart stop, faint and with a migraine I had to take breaks to cope with the recollections.

I am aware that I have achieved so much by enduring this horrific process. I have travelled visually and at the worst times in my life back and back and back and back to those locations, to the abuse and have woken thousands of times whimpering, bed wetting, thrashing and hallucinating when I was afflicted with the worst of insomnia leading to psychosis.

I have endured hundreds of hours of counselling, doctors appointments, presentations at hospitals, admissions to hospital, lockdown in psyche wards for months at a time, relationship breakups, deaths of peers to suicide and countless blackouts from drug use and overdoses.

In gathering the courage to write my #realstory I drew up all my spiritual strength to a muster of facing my own demons which have consistently caused me so much self destruction over the last three decades. You can access that personal impact book here and download it as a PDF for free - http://www.alexanderhayes.com/publications/real-story

In gathering up the courage to speak of these sexual abuse incidents I drew upon all of the listening and acceptance that my Kooya, my Mothers and my Yakoo, partner have given me to bring my case before the courts and in doing so letting my angry inner child free from his mind prison.

In returning and with courage to share my experience I am drawing upon my trust and resilience to protect others as I accept what has happened to me and in doing so I make real my namesake - Alexander (protector of men in Greek) and Malkay (listen deeply). I will as a result change by Deed Poll my full name to be Alexander Malkay Hayes as my middle name was given to me during a smoking ceremony for my step-daughter by my Kooya at Balkinjirr Community, Liviringa in the Kimberley region of Western Australia. You can read bout this experience starting here - http://www.alexanderhayes.com/journey/malkay

The following posts I made to Facebook are what I consider to be the culmination of months of trepidation and amazing interaction with a limited amount of people who have supported me through the worst of the crisis of the last few years.



I think by expressing myself in this way I made real to myself that I had actually achieved something I knew was important to protect others with as my own forgiveness for the perpetrators is complete but not for the lack of intervention from the institutions that protected them.



As above, it is not with ego that I speak of celebrating an achievement rather joyful sorrow as I recollect that I have spent most of my life working and interacting with others to try and save them from a worse fate than my own.



As above I have learned to live with the fact that I will never "get over it" which I was told by countless, heartless and inept people including those who were supposed to be closest to me. I have learned that I had to face this alone and that till the day that I take my last breath that this will be with me but it DOES NOT DEFINE ME!!!



As stated above, with the input from significant others in my life I have been encouraged to grow and live a life not defined  by sexual assault rather use it as a mechanism of knowledge to help others survive their own story, to always be listening and to be healthy and happy.



As above, I have had to endure 80 paragraphs of a witness statement and a personal impact account which spans more than 117 pages. Thats just the tip of the iceberg I am told by survivors who have said that they are "borderline" at most of the time in their lives. I will endeavour to protect others and allow my deep listening to be what starts and ends all of my interactions with others.



As above, I will have to rekindle my connection with country, with Family and with countless people who I have hurt and alienated over the years. In many cases the wounds are too deep and that in their endurance of me over the years they have had too much to bear and as humans seek out a new path that is not on mine.

I have to accept that what happened to me was not my doing rather that it has had a lasting and horrific impact on my life, to accept this and to walk forward stronger, deeply listening to others and where possible protecting those who would otherwise suffer a worse fate. This is not about me rather it is about what I action and live my life by from now till my last breath.

Here is a short article that sums up the fact that I am just one case of tens of thousands of men and women who have been abused and I so happen to be one of the very few who have had the courage to speak out and make known these crimes against humanity - http://www.smh.com.au/national/a-network-of-sexual-perpetrators-operated-in-anglican-church-youth-group-royal-commission-finds-20170213-gubi81.html



Here also are just a few links to resources which indicate the scope and tragedy of this horrific and endemic scourge which religious institutions and numerous government agencies have covered up over decades and indeed centuries.

Heteronormative

“…denoting or relating to a world view that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred sexual orientation.” - Wikipedia

I’ve just returned from my eldest Daughters wedding in Margaret River, Western Australia.

Beautiful part of the world.

It’s well known my opinion on marriage but more importantly to their credit my Daughter and her husbands assertion that the law in Western Australia needs changing - that being from marriage being a man and woman joined to the exclusion of all others as being so archaic and to change it to that of where two people who love each other being able to join is a state of holy matrimony, so help me god.

Christ. Two people become one supposedly.

Thats about as much as I can cope with such notions from a institution steeped in corrupt, debauch and depravity only fitting the hell that Christians profess we all need to repent and be saved from.

In short, religion has no place in life. It is a human suppression agent and a falsity.

I’m sensing that things have become more fluid for want of a better term in a contemporaneous society and that a heteronormative existence is under assault, fast evolving.

I then sat today on the beach at Cottesloe, Western Australia and discussed with my second eldest Daughter the concept of compersion, the manner in which people can choose not to have locked-in relationships and how to grow by compassion, empathy and trust. So that brings me back to interrogate that existence of the heteronormative.

The fact is I have lived a life of thirty years led by the heteronormative expectation of family and friends, who have of late shifted markedly in my life or have left entirely. Lets face it, I have been married three times and had as many children. It took a great deal of courage I am told to step out and declare to the world that I disagree with simply living a life so that it fits with the convenience of a heteronormative state.

An iconoclast no less. Nothing they told me worked. It was all false and hollow and full of promise but no real reality worth living. So I grew and stepped away from that crap.

Then, out of the blue whilst at Perth Airport I receive a phone call from Craig who has read my profile in Grindr, an app that you can add to your phone giving access to gay and bisexual men across the world. He stated that the link to my #realstory book as being life changing, cathartic, inspiring. He asked if I was able to meet and I gracefully declined as I’m about to board a plane and fly back to Canberra.

So, that paragraph above is enough to floor most of the hetro’s I’m forced to engage with at times in my life. Why? 

Because the first question is “….and why have you got such an app on your phone? Does you partner know abut it?” My answer is each time “….I have many apps on my phone and each and every one of them serve different functions as do the apps on your phone….but do I ask you as to why you have those apps on your phone yet you feel compelled to make a statement that I’m acting out, being dishonest, non trustful?”

The fact is that no matter what I am, no matter how I identify sexually, no matter who I am connected to professionally, socially or for that matter politically, the whole heteronormative cycle of returning people back to a feed loving, cow creating, nuclear family fairytale seems far removed from a social reality. More and more people I speak to have given up on the “forever more till death do us part” love lock and are exercising their individual and collective freedoms.

No matter what a heteronormative professes to protect and maintain I am of the opinion that it creates, suppresses and forces those who find themselves attracted to things out of its constraints into being dishonest and truly disconnected from a reality. I returned from my Daughters wedding inspired by that one assertion said at the union of vows but I congratulate myself on not physically assaulting a crowd of heteronormative, vipers, charlatans and looking-goods who all at one stage in their life did their best to intern me, crucify and lock down pansexual me.

Who is anyone to question our identity then profess to know how to return us to a straight jacket norm better suiting a collective moral servitude.?

Well….fuck you if thats what is needed to wake you up out of your readership malaise, you too need wake up and look around at what you are doing in life and if toeing the societal norm of a hetronoromative is the way you are living your life and smashing other people with your moral yardstick then get the hell out of mine.

Pansexual is the way to go and if that doesn’t suit then choose your own label because if you don’t then society will sure to tag you with something that conveniences only its heteronormative self.

These Pricks

I have a great amount of disdain for authority of many kinds.

I hate insipid service providers on the Internet who also withdraw my data subject to legal concourse. Read the FUCKING  MATERIAL people and understand this is all about civil liberty, honesty, transparency and the insidious FUCKS that run the religious institutions in this land and all over this globe.

True, when I get my heckles up it aint just fur thats flying.

I'll abide by the law of the land knowing that this country was never ceded and that the monarchy is nothing but a coloniser. Yes, I'll acknowledge that native-fuck-me-over title exists too in white man toxic Anglo lawyer speak.

Yes, I'll also acknowledge that under that occupation that THESE PRICKS will have it lorded unto us beseech thee almighty fucking god, holy maker of heaven and fucking hell on earth so help me Christ you capitalised fucking cunt.

Ok....so now you have the gist. Today, or maybe it was yesterday I submitted my account of what I was subjected to as a 11 year old through to 13 year old. I name no names except that of the institutions who did their very best to bury my sorry carcass under a mountain of threats and vile looking goods.

What does it take for a 48 year old man to muster his yoke and let a judicial body know it's own sorry soulless patriarchy as nothing more than testament to an Internet of things. A sorryless protected and monarchical mayhem.

So today, Figshare announced it wont hold my story in it's archive. So who, pray to the most holiest of they merciful vestry, has contacted Mr. Figshare and had my story removed? Mr. God-damned-Pell himself?

For merciful's sake get to archive.org before they are subpoenaed to remove their damning copy to.

 

https://archive.org/details/realstory-final

Or get to Lulu.com and download the book there - http://www.lulu.com/shop/alexander-hayes/real-story/ebook/product-22624245.html

Better still download it from here for FREE  - http://www.alexanderhayes.com/s/Realstory.pdf

Till my dying breath I will exercise MY CIVIL RIGHT as a human being to defend myself against this bullshit systematic shutting down of those who have suffered at the hands of a so-called Church.

I am not even an atheist - that would mean I acknowledge that word even exists. Nothing that these institutions of torture, rape, pillage, occupation and tax less invasion will do will ever get me to acknowledge that there are not above law.

Here is my Royal Commission submission - note I do not name names, I name numbers because when you are nothing but a number then its only numbers you are getting back. 

Submission To The Royal Commission Into Sexual Abuse of Children Australia [ PDF ]

Failing that go and download it from Google Drive - https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_KCOZAxbuayYm5yYkZ5aEgwbHM/view?usp=sharing

 

 

 

 

Life Happens

Source: Technocracy: How Its False Assumptions and Pseudo-Science Could Affect You By Paul A Philips - http://www.newparadigm.ws/my-blogs/technocracy-how-its-false-assumptions-and-pseudo-science-could-affect-you/

I have heard it said that during a PhD life just happens.

Our families and children still need us. We get physically (and mentally) sick and we need time to heal again. Our work colleagues notice our absences both in mind and spirit. Plans change, governments change and so does the weather most of which we notice. Mortgages or rent still need to be paid. Our partners end up in semantic word tangles with us. Our love life changes.

Our love of life changes too.

So that’s where the PhD journey has taken me and I admit I’m at the stage of hating the PhD, getting angry at it, giving up on it, seriously considering what on earth I’d been thinking to have taken it on in life as a mature age student (I started when I was forty years old and I’m now almost forty eight years of age) when it has cost me so much money and time as well as having had it’s toll on my health.

I’ve now decided to do what many PhD candidates find themselves doing when it gets to this stage in the process of nearing completion, stalled, and a year off final draft submission.

With advice from my supervisor, partner and others I am going to “write my way” out of this negative loop.

This is my opportunity to bring in the significant voices of others, to name names and bring to life that which crashes around in my mind keeping me awake till the sun starts to rise when I should have been soundly asleep. This is an opportunity to dispel some myths, unwrap some trade secrets and possibly even bring light into some dark corners of the Internet. An opportunity to build words into paragraphs and prose worthy of literature critique.

To achieve this goal I will write two forms of thesis; as such - (1) an experiential recount of the PhD journey to date and; (2) empirically gathered evidence gathered over ten years of research packaged to conform with the rigour of scientific inquiry known as the academic thesis. Both of these written works will inform the other as themes emerge, ideas meld and my frame of mind changes with the process.

You might wish to consider that as a tongue in cheek stab at the constabulary of postgraduate candidature but I assure you it is not. I’ve had exemplary supervision and if I’d only taken one piece of advice more seriously from the outset and that would have be to write, keep writing and don't ever stop till the final draft is submitted.

I’ll publish this experiential recount as a book when I’ve finished complete with photos, diagrams, tables and other points-of-proof. In essence the experiential recount will become the “backbone” to the thesis and the thesis will become the empirical result of what has been for me a cathartic experience and as my story goes, a cataclysmic life changing experience too.

I could well have achieved this if I’d been as diligent enough and had the fortitude to journal the whole process however, as I’ll describe in detail, I was head down in writing books, papers, presentations, running symposiums, conferences, travelling the world gathering interviews, running an educational technology company to name a few.

So, for some humour.

I’m typing this into a laptop and still have not learned how to touch type although I wished to god I had given the snail pace at which two fingers and two eyes watching every key I press takes to write. That is a key skill anyone writing up a thesis needs to consider - the health of one’s eyes and the apocalypse of postural ailments writing, transcribing, annotating and reading online will have on the human body.

We were not designed as humans to sit prone save for a few flying fingers and flapping forearms to punch into a plastic and aeronautical amalgam of precious metals that depends of vast quantities of electricity to remain lucid and useful. Therein lies one of the key themes and underlying questions I’m seeking to answer with this PhD but not as my formal abstract may suggest - what are the key social and ethical implications (some might say costs) of these technologies?

So the note to oneself in this context is firstly, what are the key effects and likely considerations we need to take as human beings if it is a requirement of our society to provide evidence of our knowledge and experience if we are forced to machine type for literally thousands of hours? Are we to wade through a myriad of other systems and technological innovations to save us this onerous task or as I’ve discovered, are we then having explored to return back to the human-machine interface and gesticulate wildly simply to assemble letters and numbers into words, sentences, paragraphs and meaning?

I’m here at a house sit where my partner herself is in the throes of completing her own PhD thesis.

I can hear you moan as the reader realising that indeed we have both endeavoured to survive what many would state as the sheer lunacy of a couple BOTH doing their PhD’s at the same time. We sit opposite each other as we machine type tonight, discussing upcoming conferences, lamenting time taken away from our children and peering wearily at a growing email inbox, bills overdue and papers unread.

So this is my story of the PhD experience and what I’ve learned along the way. This is also a story of the people who have helped me along the way on this journey and the many people I hope who might benefit from my frank recount what happened and why.

This is a dedication to those significant few who matter, as well as the players in the seedy world of the technocracy { ref: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technocracy } and the wisdom I have gained from them both through the PhD experience.

“...The term technocracy was originally used to advocate the application of the scientific method to solving social problems. According to the proponents of this concept, the role of money, economic values, and moralistic control mechanisms would be eliminated altogether if and when this form of social control should ever be implemented in a continental area endowed with enough natural resources, technically trained personnel, and installed industrial equipment. In such an arrangement, concern would be given to sustainability within the resource base, instead of monetary profitability, so as to ensure continued operation of all social-industrial functions into the indefinite future. Technical and leadership skills would be selected on the basis of specialized knowledge and performance, rather than democratic election by those without such knowledge or skill deemed necessary.

So this is the process of “writing my way out” and this is the first 1000 words of that endeavour.

A last note, here is an interesting take of that burgeoning belief that technocracy is an ultimate goal worthy of a socialism.

“...Those serving the encroaching technocracy agenda, be them in the capacity of scientists, technicians, technologists, government officials, or academics etc.., whatever their means to an end in support of the pseudo-science, at least some would have to see it as a belief system, blindly ignoring the contradictions or lack of scientific evidence in order to maintain their false beliefs.”

Phillips, Paul A. - http://www.newparadigm.ws/my-blogs/technocracy-how-its-false-assumptions-and-pseudo-science-could-affect-you/

Compersion

91801255

I've avoided writing on this topic until now mainly out of respect for my amazing partner but also that its taken me almost two years to actually grasp....actually  understand fully what the act of 'compersion' means.

In other words, I have talked at length about this with my partner and it's now an important conversation to be had as Its timely and its very real. I'm growing and changing.

According to the Urban Dictionary (I cant find it written up in any other dictionaries) comperison is:

"...A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship."

I can literally hear the audible breath being taken in by some people reading this as the concept goes against every single principle in the Christian Judaic, capitalist, singular relationship bound marrying and ownership of one and each other. For God's sake who invented these vestitudes of hateful relatedness??? 

So I looked further and came across this really interesting article in the Huffington Post - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gracie-x/compersion-a-polyamorous-principle-that-can-strengthen-any-relationship_b_6803868.html

From what I can understand the term is derivative of the ethos of polyamory, essentially where an individual has not one sexual partner but many and that combination many happen in any variety of configurations. I have grave reservations as to whether true polyamory can work particularly where one of the 'trouple' is a third spoke in the wheel.....but it is possible and does work too.

So, in essence, the article explains how a couple are discussing his connection with a lover the night before and the partner, a woman recognises and observes the enraptured, engaged and animated person she once new in her husband when they were first dating. So, what has happened the woman has remarkably found the capability to feel her jealousy, accept that as a feeling, move past her fear of abandonment or rejection, unlock her feelings of genuine excitement at a physical and emotional level and at the same time be present to her boyfriend who society in general would have deemed his actions as "cheating".

In my thinking for me to achieve that state, that incredibly liberated feeling of freedom to feel beyond what society would have us think is normal, restricted, exclusive....to actually live in an open and SHARING relationship (as opposed to dont-ask-dont-tell) then the whole world suddenly becomes different. Sure the sex is exciting but at the core, for me, the metaphysical gravitas of this way of living profoundly changes the ground rules on what it means to be in a partnership.

A few years ago I left a boring, serial, relentless monogamous marriage where intimacy was lost due to the enclosed state of "owned" that I felt. I could no longer interact with others as I would normally....chat, flirt, enjoy their company. Out of the heavens it seems I met an incredibly intelligent blonde faery who encouraged me to reflect deeply on my life experiences, my sexual connections and my relationships with others. I admitted that nothing scared me more than "being me" ....connecting with others as I feared reprimand, rebuke, rejection and abandonment.

We met people together and we connected with them. The whole world changed for me.

On the other hand, it has been drummed into me from birth that a man takes a woman as his wife and for ever more till the day they die.....they have to put up with each other and generally a sexless and boring life together. Not always but thats the exception to the norm of seven years, two kids and a divorce later.

So now that I'm thinking this through, it seems that the woman in the article context is actually in an incredibly powerful and autonomous state of freedom herself. Not only is she happy that her partner is having sex with others and enjoying himself, she is actually enjoying relating to his experiences....and perhaps getting sexually excited herself as a result.

That doesn't necessarily mean she's voyeuristic either. It could mean that she might join him with those lovers a some point to but there is absolutely no obligation or pressure to do o.

So this act of love, the act of compersion which is meaningful, intentful and  deliberate seems to be the way that highly intellectual, highly sexual and high achievers seem to ensure that their own relatedness is healthy. It's not a relationship - that term just became redundant as this is a new way of living and being free at the core of what so many supposedly "good marriages" fester....infidelity.

Well in a relatedness filled with compersion such things as infidelity are null and void. Jealousy still exists as it is an emotional state and an important instinctuual feeling of loss if your headspace is low. It means the prtnership is always on charge, dynamic and open.

This now brings me back to my own personal journey. I have always thought that the state of compersion to be intellectually possible but impossible in the everyday practical sense. The excitement that it brings me is also heavily balanced with conditioned fear and guilt. There is the practical considerations of what combinations excite one's partner and who in fact is benefitting most from the activity! It seems that the woman in the article is having as much fun or more than her partner who is now relaxed, relieved and rejuvinated.

By the way I don't see this as a gender specific nor identity related phenomena. It is spoken about as being possible and preferable across all variants of humanity.

The mere though of having (permissibly and encouraged) multiple lovers fills me with a faint fear and light headedness....but also a deep soulful relief. A massive, massive shift in a life that is otherwise locked up in one modality.

The married state of monogamy is gut wrenchingly boring. A new state of compersion whilst tough emotionally would I think build resilience, emotional resilience, would bring honesty and love back into couples connections with others.

I think compersion is the way to go. Its a genuine, excitable feeling human act of generosity, of power gathering, sharing, caring and connecting.

A Gift

I recieved a package in the mail today. 

As I knew already it would contain nothing more than an organisations coverup of the truth of the matter pertaining to my resignation. 

I have travelled a fair distance in life over 47 years.

The lessons I've learned are in healing myself first before anything I can do for others will be of any real use. I am a strong and capable person - capable of many things.

In some cases my own justice came around many years later when those that picked on me or taken advantage of me least suspected it would happen.

My own story that took me this far has had it's fair share of extreme violence, sexual abuse, alienation, bullying and loneliness. To counteract that I've often gone quiet and hurt myself more to protect the well being of others.

Despite their own pitiful and sad life stories, a few recent bullies and sick colleagues continue to drown their sorrows or get angry to counteract their own physical disabilities, sexual preferences and inability to maintain relationships and workforce capacities without hurting others and ultimately themselves in the process.

Racist, sexist, homophobic, pompous, illiterate mafia have no place in my life. 

FOI does nothing more than protect those who already know their mission in controlling others. An organisation that holds itself as the pinnacle of academic success, supposed leader of research in this country is nothing more than the lowlife that it supports deep within its colonist bowels.

Justice is strength in knowing the numbers that share in the same secrets I have been subjected to, as they themselves have the same. The greatest gift is knowing that all will be revealed en masse.

For the public good.

As Life Would Have It

as-life-would-have-it

I wont be dying today.

As life would have it, as if by some magical intervention, life has an ongoing plan for me that often does not fit my own idea of a certain reality.

It is cold in this room, this hospital unit. The ringing in my ears is intense as the call for “…Eileen to acute, Luke to acute” arrives muffled, through foam hospital grade earplugs.

My forefinger numb typing letter by letter, my index cradled in a blood oxygen reader connected to its machine parent. The air conditioner plays cold air over my forearms and face. Six dots connected to six cables tell the nurse I am alive over here in this blue curtained cubicle.

Today turning into tonight seeps back out into a winter sky, empty of birds. The TV screen looks at me blankly, silent. The oxygen mask hangs limp waiting its turn to shine.

So it comes to be I explained to the pastoral care worker on his rounds, picking through hopeful lost souls-needing-redemption, that the hospital policy on ‘religion’ needed updating. More room to write ‘Existentialist Humanist’ on their intake triage form.

Last night, clutching my chest and mumbling my birthdate I staggered in through swinging doors to a neon nightmare. Incessant electronic beeps designed to ensure cold comfort matches the many warmed meals on wheels.

Transgender teen, tshirt ripped and slurring “…fuck you all” is manacled to the bed opposite. Proceeds to spit foul fury as her gel haircut falls over blood red eyes.

Baby on the left cackles through croop cough. Mother mania howls at the moon hard right every ten minutes like a rooster lost of a perch in night light.

As the plastic arm cuff swells to within a barely audible gasp on my arm I lay exhausted. Reflecting on two days of torment from a hospital stay prior I gather my wits.

Yes they did pick me up in an ambulance. Yes, I was administered the wrong medication and yes, as if in shock, I mumble to myself that it did almost kill me.

As the memories cascade like a waterfall heavy with volume a stillness descends and clarity shines through. This is just another magic moment.

A mere fragment of a life lived. A crowd of children to hug. A partner stopped with worry, exhausted, whispers “…I love you” through weary lips.

Life has a plan for today as it does for tomorrow and any day thereafter. Despite how we plan it every moment has its own moment of glory and no matter how many ways we seek to frame it, slips.

With the dissapointers starved of oxygen, as my evening meals sits steaming a new night on ward A2, a night filled with new surprises awakes.

Daylight will bring warmth. The night staff will handover and another chunk of life will present itself to be lived.

As life would have it, today is as tomorrow and the next is to the one before.

To be lived.

This is also published over at https://medium.com/@alexanderhayes/as-life-would-have-it-d29b7c72b26e#.68ymhu5cw

Malkay

I have been angry for a week since recently returning from Broome...

Read More

Connections

I reflect on a more humorous aspect of my own personal life that I feel compelled to share. Some say that when a man (male) reaches his middle years he finds his younger man no longer fighting with his child, that his middle aged man facing up to his Elder and listening in on what matters most for the rest of the journey forward.

Read More