Magali and I both have chosen 'freedom' as the core living truth in our life which we discussed and continue too discuss.
Freedom as in free to be, not freedom within constraint of societal norms and expectations. Freedom as in free to be - Libre D'etre.
Magali and I have both stated recently that we had never ever considered that our life experience and our relatedness which embodies that freedom as being perhaps the greatest legacy or giving back to the world despite our career aspirations. That realisation that perhaps your life experience IS the journey.
So it is I write tonight reflecting deeply on something that has happened recently, something so deeply fundamental and (for others) radically untenable in traditional relationships. I say 'radical' only in that myself I know I took a giant leap forward which for some they have always inherently felt they had anyway.
However, I will recount my own learning in this process of letting go to grow. In a post coined in February 2015 I grappled at what those fundamental awareness points include stating at the time:
"....So, after 46 years of living in every known conceivable arrangement of relationships I have come to a non-binding awareness of the following. I have put them as dot points in a list because I know some of you might like to consider them as separate things but in essence they are all the same and interwoven as one.
- We are single, always.
- The most powerful relationship we ever have is with ourselves;
- We have many, many, many relationships in our lives and those we have sex with make up a very small proportion of the total count of who we related too;
- We have only the capacity to have one bonded, fully articulated, affinity centred, trusted relationship - a partner, who essentially is our witness in our life;
- We can have sex with as many people as we want but we cant have as many people as we need having sex with us;
- In being open with our partner, in being open with our Family, friends and the world we can be in ourselves and not spread out across others;
- In each relationship (of all descriptions) there are only three things that matter - treat each other well, respect each others differences and to show on a constant basis in an explicit way gratitude for each other;
- Above all, trust - trust is the core essence to any relationship especially with ourselves.
In late 2016 I went as far as I could dare go in speaking of which we both now speak freely and open publicly. The post at that time focussed on the concept of compersion - https://www.alexanderhayes.com/journal/compersion
I've also written about trust - https://www.alexanderhayes.com/journal/trust
Freedom - https://www.alexanderhayes.com/journal/freedom
Monogamy - https://www.alexanderhayes.com/journal/two-becomes-none
The most important post of all was this one - https://www.alexanderhayes.com/journal/love-unlocked
And now here is how I experienced it all, written in leet (not discrete) style.
Strikes at the heart, head.
That hyperventilated feeling, anxious and grabbing for coffee, cigarettes, Valium. Its a visceral snake-sliding-woosh-feeling that surges from the soles of your feet to an explosion in your head. Everything you had ever read, heard, been advised of punches into your psyche and FEAR PERMEATES.
Cuts the day in half and as you trip into lunchtime you know everything that anyone who had ever taught you to fear letting go...well this is the show. This is it. This is the moment you are being challenged the deepest about your mapped monogamy, your possession of partners, your condescending and hurtful comments made in fear, disguised, heavy salient syrup of fear. Marriage after marriage. Relationship folding furiously from one into the other. Over each other.
Your PTSD says 'run'. Your soul says stay.
What happens next is just that. You strike your head with your hand so hard it sends you almost to your knees. Again. Again. The fear is like a swirling inky black viper eating into you like cancer. Blow after blow. Punishing yourself to bring your soul back into this dreadful moment of facing it.
Letting go in order to grow. True compersion, practised, in action. No training possible to prepare yourself for this learning.
Well thats what it has been for me. That moment you turn to your partner and say "...you are blessed. Free to be... always were, are. No permissions needed. Not shared as you are not owned. Encouraged you go, connect, be yourself in this world."
You are standing there finding yourself actually saying it and in hearing your own voice knowing its the other compassionate, spiritual and soulful you. The one you had buried away in those fear folds. That 'you' you always knew was the way forward.
I'd scrambled together two pages of notes mainly to myself, saying everything I'd felt in fear...a string of irrational needy throwaways - perfectly normal I'm told. Then there was that meeting in the airport, that intense rush of happiness for you. Seeing you happy, chirpy and cageless flying.
Flushed cheeks. Swagger. Coy grin. Flick of the hair. Thin lip naughty laugh. Giggles.
Free to be. Do what you want wherever, with whomever however....with respect. With an intent to grow your relatedness with others. Approaching love and life as a series of relationships good, bad and everything in between. Deep lust. Love. Loss. Grief and the coming back. Growing our connection.
Trust. Always returning to trust. Trust above all else.