Courage To Accept Sexual Abuse

Written By Alexander Hayes

Alexander Hayes, 26 March 2017

I've recently taken my personal story to the Royal Commission on the Sexual Abuse of Children here in Australia which has heard tens of thousands of cases of despicable acts perpetrated within multi-denominational Churches and supposed centers of religious excellence across this country since colonization over two hundred years ago by the British.

Numerous hearings have led to cases being heard and numerous arrests being made of perpetrators so far.

"...The Royal Commission holds formal public hearings to examine evidence about child sexual abuse and how institutions responded to allegations of abuse. Each public hearing examines a different case study." - http://www.childabuseroyalcommission.gov.au/public-hearings/case-studies

I have also taken my personal story and lodged a criminal case against one key perpetrator and four accomplices over a 5 year period, as well as numerous individuals including Anglican Church clergy and senior church members who are accessories after the facts who withheld my abuse from authorities for over thirty years. This criminal case has been lodged with the Australian Federal Police as well as the New South Wales Police in Sydney Australia to ensure that my case is not only heard but criminal convictions sought from all of those who failed to protect me as a child.

I will be one of the few who have reported this and will pursue this across all agencies until I know my key perpetrator and associates are jailed or similar.

"....Every Anglican Church diocese in the country bar one has received complaints of child sexual abuse in the past 35 years, a report has found." - http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-03-17/anglican-church-ashamed-child-sex-abuse-royal-commission/8363126

The purpose of this personal blog post is to reflect on the recent interviews I endured as I provided a Witness Statement with New South Wales Police which required me to detail everything that happened to me over a two day intensive interview. I will from now forward be ongoing interviewed and examined from all perspectives as the Police bring into account the multitude of those I am seeking to corroborate on my case. 

It is a known fact that many survivors of such horrific abuse do not report of these crimes sometimes up to 30 years on average after the last points of perpetration. This is due to a range of complex reasons include physical threats by perpetrators, fear of incriminating innocent people, shame, mental health and other real issues.

Over the last 34 years I have myself received death threats, cyber bullying, physical altercations including assault, exclusion from social events, defriending and so on which has had a massively detrimental affect on my Family, children, friends and colleagues. Many, many people have chosen to cease communicating with me due to my often erratic and self destructive behaviour.

In short, I feel that I almost passed away (again) two days ago as I spoke about the worst of what happened to me as far as sexual abuse-specific incidents are concerned. I almost passed out in shock at this main interview as I recollected and visually pictured myself as I have millions of times since those incidents. I felt my heart stop, faint, and with a migraine I had to take breaks to cope with the recollections.

I am aware that I have achieved so much by enduring this horrific process. I have traveled visually and at the worst times in my life back and back and back and back to those locations, to the abuse and have woken thousands of times whimpering, bedwetting, thrashing and hallucinating when I was afflicted with the worst of insomnia leading to psychosis.

I have endured hundreds of hours of counseling, doctors appointments, presentations at hospitals, admissions to hospital, lockdown in psych wards for months at a time, relationship breakups, deaths of peers to suicide, and countless blackouts from drug use and overdoses.

In gathering the courage to write my #realstory I drew up all my spiritual strength to a muster of facing my own demons which have consistently caused me so much self destruction over the last three decades. You can access that personal impact book here and download it as a PDF for free - http://www.alexanderhayes.com/publications/real-story

In gathering up the courage to speak of these sexual abuse incidents I drew upon all of the listening and acceptance that my Kooya, my Mothers and my Yakoo, partner have given me to bring my case before the courts and in doing so letting my angry inner child free from his mind prison.

In returning and with courage to share my experience I am drawing upon my trust and resilience to protect others as I accept what has happened to me and in doing so I make real my namesake - Alexander (protector of men in Greek) and Malkay (listen deeply). I will as a result change by Deed Poll my full name to be Alexander Malkay Hayes as my middle name was given to me during a smoking ceremony for my step-daughter by my Kooya at Balkinjirr Community, Liviringa in the Kimberley region of Western Australia.

The following posts I made to Facebook are what I consider to be the culmination of months of trepidation and amazing interaction with a limited amount of people who have supported me through the worst of the crisis of the last few years.

I think by expressing myself in this way I made real to myself that I had actually achieved something I knew was important to protect others with as my own forgiveness for the perpetrators is complete but not for the lack of intervention from the institutions that protected them.

As above, it is not with ego that I speak of celebrating an achievement rather joyful sorrow as I recollect that I have spent most of my life working and interacting with others to try and save them from a worse fate than my own.

As above I have learned to live with the fact that I will never "get over it" which I was told by countless, heartless and inept people including those who were supposed to be closest to me. I have learned that I had to face this alone and that till the day that I take my last breath that this will be with me but it DOES NOT DEFINE ME!!!

As above, I have had to endure 80 paragraphs of a witness statement and a personal impact account which spans more than 117 pages. That’s just the tip of the iceberg I am told by survivors who have said that they are "borderline" at most of the time in their lives. I will endeavor to protect others and allow my deep listening to be what starts and ends all of my interactions with others.

As above, I will have to rekindle my connection with my Country, with Family, and with countless people who I have hurt and alienated over the years. In many cases the wounds are too deep and that in their endurance of me over the years they have had too much to bear and as humans seek out a new path that is not on mine.

I have to accept that what happened to me was not my doing rather that it has had a lasting and horrific impact on my life, to accept this and to walk forward stronger, deeply listening to others and where possible protecting those who would otherwise suffer a worse fate. This is not about me rather it is about what I action and live my life by from now till my last breath.

Here is a short article that sums up the fact that I am just one case of tens of thousands of men and women who have been abused and I so happen to be one of the very few who have had the courage to speak out and make known these crimes against humanity - http://www.smh.com.au/national/a-network-of-sexual-perpetrators-operated-in-anglican-church-youth-group-royal-commission-finds-20170213-gubi81.html

Here also are just a few links to resources which indicate the scope and tragedy of this horrific and endemic scourge which religious institutions and numerous government agencies have covered up over decades and indeed centuries.

Alexander Hayes

http://www.alexanderhayes.com
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