Fallen Angel

Image: Angel Of Darkness

Image: Angel Of Darkness

Everyone has the right to believe in what they want. No one has the right to tell others what to believe…especially especially those who business is to endorse and protect pedophiles whilst claiming they are on their knees to save us from eternal hell and damnation.

As Sartre was often heard to say, hell is other people, not a place conveniently located post living as a human on this earth…and in my case this hell was every supposedly christian institution I was ever sent to.

If you have ever wondered where the term ‘mass’ came from there you have it. A group of a few to many who believe in the same (often inculcation) and then harm others with it. The same for repentance and yet again for forgiveness. Without either all you have is outright carnage and slaughter and neither term originated from any christian bootcamp, rather it’s been a moral pagan accord since the beginnings of time.

Catholicism brought us the black box in which we can speak to an unseen who forgives us and encourages us to go back to the village for more. Prayer is the common symbol for the openly oppressed and to congregate is good business especially when it fits the frame of capitalism and looking good. Fine up-standing citizens who practice all the virtues and then break every single one of them as hypocrites and common charlatans.

For me, I’ll accept at most the tag of fallen angel even though that is a far stretch from the will of an angry young child repeatedly defiled as a ‘seer’ and chosen ‘lamb of god’. Go fuck your yourselves I say to the many who see the vulnerable, innocent and meek as fair game to play. No amount of burning in your own man made hell will save you from the harsh light of solitary in protective custody.

Anyhoo… in the last few months I have received a range of responses to my efforts to see justice served for the many men who have suffered as result of their contact with William Richmond Sandwell, convicted felon, convict, pedophile.

There has been genuine expressions of sadness, care and empathy balanced of course with a mix of ‘I love you’ (conditional and one way) as well as “…too short a sentence for the monster” and even callous remarks like “…well now you can close that chapter and get on with your life”. In a series of written emails I’ve also been informed that I’m now an ‘Apostate’ by proxy, by abandoning a religious or political belief or principle in order to achieve the exposure of a pedophile manifest.

Still others have gone as far to renounce my efforts as ‘fallen angel’ which in Abrahamic religions, fallen angels are angels who were expelled from heaven. So, let me explain it this way for those of you who feel that your spiritual and religious beliefs matters in an Australian Court of Law.

Firstly, I did not swear on nor at a Bible in order to provide three decades worth of facts to a Royal Commission into the Sexual Abuse of Children, Institutional Responses, also to Sutherland Police Detectives and for weeks in a trial which has seen 9 survivors step forward and hundreds of witnesses interviewed. Belief in humanity and in Law which transcends any current bullshit of supposed reverence means no amount of postulations of pious holiness changes facts to fear driven fiction.

To be a Fallen Angel means you firstly need to believe in a “heaven” and more importantly in a “hell”. Without these conveniently off Mother Earth myths the Christian Judaic fear driven business model fails to hold over its captive gullible congregation. Secondly, no amount of prayers to a dude who was immaculately conceived, died, somehow ended up in control of a trillion headed snake that ate an apple….you get the picture.

Belief has nothing to do with pedophiles and yet thats precisely what they “prey” upon in all manners of worldly charm. Repenting, praying and turning to anything is not what pedophiles do - they simply protect each other with the very same silences the church as a capitalist pig perpetuating its crimes through time immemorial.

Sadly, for those who should be opening their archives, their books and their mouths all that they would become in the harsh cold hard light of the Law is mute, complicit to their ‘blind eye’ to abuse… happening right in front of them! To admit you failed to report these crimes against humanity is to render all that you know, all that you are and all that you will become as nothing but mere, mortal and irrelevant nothing in the annals of time.

Saying nothing and doing nothing means you are no different to those before you who lived in hope. The fact is ACTION is all that makes change occur. To act on what is EVIL means fighting it with tough love, not forgiveness and apologies. Go stick your apologies up your own apologist ass.

Repeatedly we are reminded and made aware of that Australia is run by conservative freaks whose houses of their lords are rampant havens for pedophilia, extortion and false prophet. These supposedly religious institutions need to be dismantled as they are illegal and continuing to run the same ‘fear over ‘ business model as this current liberal blue-tied government…which serves itself.

For those who wish to pray for my sins, get off your fucking knees and do something for those who have suffered as a result of your bullshit brigades. For those of you who think rebranding your remote church camps away from civilisation as ‘safe ministry’ cleanliness, be aware that any institutional ‘Professional Standards Unit ’ is under close, close scrutiny….never believed, always circumspect.

For those of you who thought you got away with your crimes from your safe havens of heavenly good fortune, the big house awaits, filled with fallen angels, apostates and every other known fear term you can humanely imagine to cut you to the core. No prayers, no claims of redemption, no frills nor frocks will ever protect those who see fit to claim ‘God’ while making others lives hell on earth.

“…To my knowledge, the convicted abuser, Adrian Sandwell, was banned from any children’s or youth ministry in 2002. Prior to this he was involved in leadership of the Sutherland CEBS, and a high ranking leader in the CEBS at movement in NSW. Years ago Sandwell was for a short time a member of our church and spoke at a few of our family services.” - http://gymeaanglican.org.au/2019/07/05/rethinking-big-issues-church-leader-jailed/

The fact is Sandwell frequented many churches and CEBS meeting grounds all over this nation. Sandwell is recorded in hansards of meetings all over this country over a thirty year period and much of this is openly accessible through the Internet with records of active involvement with Youth related groups right up until

It’s time the archives were laid open of the institutions that protected these crimes against humanity.

Here is the report from the Royal Commission on the Church of England Boys Society. [ PDF ]



UPDATE: It seems my request to append my story at the Livingwell group with notice of Sandwell’s conviction has not yet been approved - https://www.livingwell.org.au/from-men/stories-of-mens-experience/alexs-real-story/

St John The Baptist

Tucked away on the corner opposite vipers of similar making is St. John The Baptist Anglican Church in Sutherland NSW Australia.

At this location, convicted pedophile William Richmond “Adrian” Sandwell perpetrated crimes against young boys and men whilst as a ‘leader’ of the Church of England Boys Society (CEBS) over a 30 year reign of destruction.

I’ve updated Wikipedia and the entry seems to have stuck - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anglican_Communion_sexual_abuse_cases#Anglican_Church_of_Australia

Not surprisingly the current clergy are distancing themselves from anything that might bring them in contact with this criminal past and nor are there or likely to be any incriminations any more than the perpetuations that these illegal institutions continue to manifest. Below is a screenshot of my written submission through their website contact page suggesting my email address is already listed as ‘banned’ on their server listing.

Here is the report from the Royal Commission on the Church of England Boys Society. [ PDF ]


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On the very same evening I found the following in the Bishop Abuse Tracking website.


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Crimes Against Humanity

A vastly unpopular story and a critically urgent issue in our society, across all cultures and indiscriminate of age, gender or ethnicity. A short film Magali McDuffie and I made to reach out to those who are experiencing the very same we have endured through this legal process.

Here is the report from the Royal Commission on the Church of England Boys Society. [ PDF ]


Alexander Hayes recounts the legal and judicial process as result of speaking his life story and seeking justice after 33 years as he states "... in my own mind made prison....this is not a story about hope rather it's a story about action."


Victims Register

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Today I have had the dubious pleasure of registering to be informed by the NSW State’s Justice Department as to when and if William Sandwell is released for prison.

Here is the report from the Royal Commission on the Church of England Boys Society. [ PDF ]

I am hopeful that others will action their own stories and step up to the same system I endured to bring their own stories forward which will lead to further convictions if and when deemed answerable. No amount of kind words today made it any easier to again have to apply for my own emancipation and to have ‘VICTIM’ emblazoned is for me such a poor cousin to the term ‘SURVIVOR’.

A victim is someone who falls foul of what they have endured and a survivor is someone who does well with their life and story as a result of what they have endured.

The related Lawlink address to search for court hearings are located here - https://onlineregistry.lawlink.nsw.gov.au



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Jailed

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“…A former Church of England Boys' Society lay leader and scripture teacher at Sutherland has been sentenced to a minimum three years and seven months jail for historical child sexual assault offences.
Many of the offences occurred in church-run camps for boys in Royal National Park. William Richmond Sandwell, 78, of Loftus, appeared in the District Court, Downing Centre, after a jury found him guilty of 11 child sexual assault offences, committed against six children between 1965 and 1985. Sandwell, who also used the name Sandell at one time, denied the offences. Among "survivors" in court for the sentencing was Alexander Hayes, who now lives in Perth. Mr Hayes said outside the court Sandwell's assaults on him between the ages of 11 and 15 had had a "catastrophic effect on my life and a horrific impact on many families, including his own."

"It hasn't stopped me leading a good life, but it has had a big effect on me socially," he said. "I have been married and divorced three times, and its affected the intimacy I have with other people."



Mr Hayes said he believed Sandwell would have assaulted many more children over 30 years and that the church was aware of his actions from as early as 1991 and covered it up.


Sutherland police charged Sandwell in 2017 after investigating allegations of sexual assault of boys, who were members of the Church of England Boys' Society (CEBS). Judge David Arnott said Sandwell was a senior lay member of St John's Church, Sutherland, and, through this involvement, was also a leader of the parish's CEBS branch. CEBS ran weekly Friday night meetings where the boys played games, and there was also a big focus on camping trips.

The judge said Sandwell's offences ranged from fondling the genitals of boys to one instance of digital penetration, which was "particularly callous". Six offences had been against one boy.

The judge said, on one occasion, Sandwell told the boy he could not attend a camp sailing regatta because he had done something wrong. Sandwell had then ordered him to take a shower. The boy had panicked in the shower and tried to push past Sandwell, but the offender had prevented him leaving and then assaulted him. The judge said another boy testified he had "frozen in shock" when he was assaulted while lying in a sleeping bag.

The judge said Sandwell was also a primary school scripture teacher and, on a weekend camp, assaulted a boy aged 11-12. This boy, in his victim impact statement, had said he "changed from being a typical well behaved child to a self-destructive lifestyle".

The court heard Sandwell was a father of two, grandfather and great grandfather. He was married for 54 years and his wife died in 2016. The judge said Sandwell was raised by his mother and grandparents and only had contact with his father on two occasions.

In imposing sentence, Judge Arnott said he had taken into account a range of factors, including Sandwell's age, poor health and the fact he had not shown remorse. He sentenced Sandwell to a non-parole term of three years and seven months, backdated to when he was convicted and refused bail in March this year.

An additional term of two years and five months can be applied if he does not meet parole conditions. Sandwell will be eligible for release in October, 2022.

Text by Murray Trembath


Rap Sheet

According to my Witness Support contact these are the charges that Sandwell incurred which were read out to the Court with public media reporters present on Friday 28th June 2019.

  1. Count 1 - Indecent Assault (1965) D.G. - Grave Offence - 6 months

  2. Count 2 - Indecent Assault (1966) G.G. - Falls just below middle range range - 15 months

  3. Count 3 - Aggravated Assault (Aug. 66-68) P.M - Middle Range - 3 years

  4. Count 4 - Indecent Assault (1979) - D.D. - Mid point to lower middle range - 15 months

  5. Count 5 - Indecent Assault (1980) - A.H. - Lower range - 3 months

  6. Count 6 - Indecent Assault (1980) - A.H. - Lower range - 9 months

  7. Count 7 - Indecent Assault (1980 - 1981) - A.H. - Lower range - 9 months

  8. Count 8 - Indecent Assault (1983) - A.H. - Mid point lower end to mid range - “… evil intentions” - 15 months

  9. Count 9 - Aggravated Assault (1984-1985) - A.H. - Sexual intercourse without consent - “…Particularly callous” - 4 years

  10. Count 10 - Indecent Assault (1984-1985) - A.H. - A little below the midpoint, beyond the lower and the middle range - 12 months

  11. Count 11 - Indecent Assault (1984) - W.T. - Mid range with seriousness - 2 years 6 months

Total Sentence = 18 years imprisonment


Final Verdict & Sentence

William “Adrian” Sandwell received a Head Sentence of six (6) years with a non-parole period of 3 years, 7 months. Sentence commenced 27 March 2019 and Sandwell will be eligible for parole on 26 October 2022. The Head Sentence expires on 26 March 2025.

Here is the report from the Royal Commission on the Church of England Boys Society. [ PDF ]



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Men Too

Photo: Jennie Burroughs


Men Too

I have just woken in a sweat which has soaked the bed sheets to the point that I thought I had urinated the bed. It is 3:17 AM in the morning.

I am typing this into my smartphone in the dark.

This must be said. Men rape boys too. 

#mentoo suffer as a result of sexual assault.

These crimes occur across all cultures, indiscriminate of gender as we are all made aware of through the media.


I wish in this case, in this instance to highlight that men who suffer at the hands of pedophiles are having a catastrophic effect on our humanity as all those around them suffer too from their trauma and troubled minds.


It is a sad indictment that in 2019 as a collective humanity that children are still being sexually assaulted by pedophiles, sick males who target young boys, children and young men. The shame and guilt, the disbelief and wilful victimisation that survivors of these crimes against themselves have to endure from their family, friends, peers, colleagues and strangers is a continuing trait of humanity and a deeply troubled society.

I faced my perpetrator (who has already been charged and convicted) in court three days ago and read my six page Victim Impact Statement which contains the last words, I am a survivor.

I am a 50 years old male, Father to five children and two Grandchildren. 

My greatest wish is for my story to be public and for those men who have gone through the same as me, to know that it is not OK that they experience all of what society treats them with and for me to know that I have directly contributed towards preventing men from suiciding is what keeps me alive.

This is NOT about me rather it’s about all men who have suffered the same.


This is about the many amazing women who walk alongside their men, the selfless women who endure the torment of these men’s minds and help them face their own demons and eventually bring down those demons too. This is who this post if for… all of those amazing women who have also endured incomprehensible suffering and yet reach out and help those men who have endured similar.


Sadly, a day after the court hearing I attended a 50th birthday party for a long time friend from college. We grew up together in the Sutherland Shire near Sydney, Australia. He shook in rage as I held his hands and told him why I had been in court the previous day.

He then wept as we recounted many people who had been sexually assaulted by the same monster who raped me, detained me, kidnapped me and held me against my own will. That same monster had been a ‘family friend’ and perpetrated against those in that family also.

The very same monster who raped a young man close to us both at school who despite my friends help suicided last year. He would have also turned 50 years of age.

I choose to speak out on these matters. I always will until my last breath in this place.

I stood in court, not sitting and I read of the impact that sexual assault of the most gross order has had on me since childhood through to now as a grey haired man. I endured more of the legal wrangle as the pomp of justice parade in front of a dislocated me. The institutions who failed me continue to act with false prophets as their guide. They force our society through these tools of oppression, with pedophilia their main weapon against our community.

These Churches and their Clergy are illegal, aiding and abetting the worst of crimes against humanity. We all must individually listen to these horrific facts and like I am doing, make the difference by not dismissing it as an inconvenient, complicated truth.

Young men, middle aged men and older men in our society are holding this crime against themselves all their lives until the burden is too great and they self harm, suicide or worse by taking the lives of innocent people in their perception that humanity has failed them.

The fact is that men too are dying at a hugely under reported rate, self harming disguised under other more convenient statistics and this all further perpetuates pedophilia. I hereby implore of you, to do something about this by caring enough to bring this issue forward openly in your lifeworld.

Make the difference by speaking openly out against this crime against all of humanity.

#mentoo


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Media Release

Alexander Hayes - June 2017

Alexander Hayes - June 2017

Alexander Hayes - June 2019

Alexander Hayes - June 2019

Media Release

It is a sad indictment for the Australian nation when the very same crimes which the Offender, Adrian Sandwell has been convicted of in an Australian Court of Law, continue to be harboured, aided and abetted. Since time immemorial, the bastions who lead us to believe they are the centre for our human faith are by the same constitution exposed continually as protecting pedophiles who act against our collective humanity.

This thirty-nine (39) year catastrophic journey has affected everyone who has ever known of my story, broken my Family and the sole causal agency also for the passing of many of my peers with tragic repercussions. It is for those who have been unable to come forward that I lament, prevented in many cases with the same threats of death that I was subject to if they ever dared bring their own crimes forward, disbelieved and dishonoured.

I do not accept any apology from any human, especially those from the heads of a corrupt government that serves their billionaire selves nor the institutions that claim they exercise safe ministry, when as apologists they have had absolute knowledge of pedophiles who continue to control their rank and file. No amount of money nor poisoned chalice will bring my childhood and the rest of those lost to life again. Convenience continues to control the churches who count their profits, a hypocritical congregation of fools and evil charlatans.

To all of those who see justice served in my emancipation, let your own souls also open your mouth with bravery to speak of the atrocities that still continue to this day across all of humanity. It is up to everyone of us who believe in the safety and well being for children to continue to build the foundations for society, calling for those illegal institutions who continue to shift their responsibilities to be disbanded, permanently.

My absolute abhorrence will never cease as I bear witness to those survivors who have had their compensation capped as they capitulate, broken asunder by the same deceit, idiocy of greed and wealth of these institutions as they refuse to recompense adequately.

This document has been written solely by myself Alexander Hayes, with no presence, advice nor witness to my sole composition of this media release.

Alexander Hayes
27th May 2019


Love, Fear and PTSD

Pambula Beach, NSW, Australia - Photograph: Alexander Hayes

Pambula Beach, NSW, Australia - Photograph: Alexander Hayes

Last night after a flurry of messages backwards and forwards on the mobile phone it became apparent to me that my own responses to my partners plea for rational discussion had ceased.

Not only wasn't I making any sense but I was also (and obviously) distressed so we transferred to a direct phone call. Again, the conversation descended into a desperate bid for me to seperate my fears regarding our relationship. The crux of the conversation and the solution is as follows.

From the moment of birth (even that was a struggle) I was taught to fear everything - fear God, fear death, fear everyone....fear even my own ability to make meaning of the world as a 'stupid fucking git'. By the age of 11 I feared any middle aged man given the sexual abuse I suffered till I was 15 years old at the hands of a number of them.

The consequence of sexual abuse is that apart from the scrambled kid code, a deep and resonating fear of intimacy carries forward long after the abject and protracted horror of being violated repeatedly has ceased. Let me explain how that happens and how it comes to be embodied as PTSD in me.

When teenagers start showing an interest in each other by passing notes and going out, fumbling a kiss and finally managing to have sex they are generally in their mid to late teen years at secondary school. In my case  due to the abuse I couldn't understand why ANYONE would want to have sex let alone kiss and hug anyone.

I was attractive by all accounts but a smoulderingly angry young man and certainly not a nice catch for anyone. I hurt many many people in my smug and rejectionist 'me'.

I feared everything about girls and was constantly in fights with boys. I feared my home space and spent a long time avoiding its religious confines. To put it frankly my first relationships with girls were all about protection and I never ever explored with boys or younger men sexually.  When I should have been free and experimenting with others and discovering my sexuality I was imprisoned by a confused and tragic mind.

Effectively the abuse at the hands of a few had killed my passion and compassion, my empathy for much other than self abuse in which I excelled,

Sadly that continued through my twenties and thirties with "failed" relationship after fling after relationship. Marriage I was promised solved all of that as it bound two people as one in a monogamous twist and tlll death do you part. So I tested that theory three times and each time I found myself attacking my partner feeling trapped, confined, controlled and in some cases catatonically sad. That was only exacerbated by children who brought the very best in me out and the very worst in their Mothers around me.

Each time I kept looking for a soulmate loaded with affection only to find myself arguing with a lactating psychopath. Then there was the women I married or partnered with who knew my intimacy weakness and attacked me with it, either restraining it or twisting it so I'd beg to be spooned or beaten for supposed pleasure.

PTSD has strange and wide range of symptoms which manifest themselves over the years and given what I've gone through in my life "it's any wonder you haven't suicided yet" as stated famously by my own birth Mother. For me that societally and familial indoctrination of fear though is the most insidious, most viperous mechanism by which to generate guilt, fear and self loathing. In fact as I've stated somewhere myself, I am the single most effective person at hurting myself, both in the mind and the body.

My self destruction has remarkably left me alive but most of my peers dead. Suicide was always the soft option as live a life a of hell here on earth the hardest path of all.

My fears manifest themselves mainly as others will attest as self destruction. I blame my early experiences of abuse as the single most destructive factors that generated that self hate and subsequent behaviours in my relationships have been about testing that persons trust, about whipping them to the point of rejection to see whether they will leave or not. I fugure if things got tricky I'd just tell them to fuck off and move on. They did and my life has been a living hell as a result.

My principal fear that manifests itself takes shape in a few forms. The fear of abandonment is resolved quickly by whether my partner gets jacked off enough and leaves me. The fear of intimacy leads me to bury my affections in those who are most likely to harm me with it. The fear of loss and grief manifests it and I find myself burying my best friends and watching thousands of others do their best to kill themselves with drugs and alcohol.

I have learned from one single person direct and a multitude of conversations with others that all of it is a lie. My partner Magali McDuffie has taught me that despite my attractions and multiple sexual connections with others, the core to a relationship is built on trust and communication.

Magali has taught me that a soulmate travels the journey through the hard times, but there are limits to that too as self destruction must be resolved by that person and that person alone. The continued self destruction conversation goes nowhere, is destructive and wilfully self indulgent.

If fear is replaced with love then a way forward appears, fear dissolves and new happiness begins.

One facet of that communication is in knowing when fear is permeating my discourse and damaging those around me. I'm very adept at digging rabbit holes in relatedness and making mountains out of molehills especially in areas that are now for me or threaten my current life experience, especially if it involves exploring beyond the confines of a traditional relationship.

So after much discussion and responding well (it will take years of practice to get perfection) to the 'STOP, express the fear, resolve it and exit' prompt I decided to hang up the phone and write an email that explained my fear to Magali indirect first then returned to a spoken conversation.

I wrote a tragic email firstly riddled with insecurities and nasty trite which I then promptly deleted. Truth be told I re-read it and cried deeply, quiet sobs of letting go. I then returned to the keyboard and typed another.

"...Magali,

I fear nothing as I am a courageous person and willing to face each fear myself, alone until it no longer exits. Thank you for encouraging me to be courageous and to trust."

I feel that I can ride on that simplicity for a while until another easier avenue emerges to deal with my fears that surface in bouts and episodes of PTSD. I know I'll never fully rid myself of the trauma and pain of life prior but I'll sure have a stronger way to live an open and honest life and relationships will need to also be the same in order for me to grow well.

No more fear. Love my way forward.

Embrace everything as an opportunity to express love. Get intimate, vulnerable and most importantly love myself as that courageous man who has inspired so many others to love themselves despite their own fears.

Lead the way with love.

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