I got out of the car and wept. Soft tears that fell from my cheeks causing me to need to wipe them, take a deep breath and readjust my temperament before I walked in and paid rent this morning at the real estate office.
The reasons why are too numerous to detail but in essence I was in the "letting go" mode which of late is often and I allow it to be that way. Letting go of things that would otherwise consume me and cause me ongoing and undue pain.
It seems to be a recurrent theme in everyone's lives around me at the moment so I'm going to weave my way forward writing to this topic of "letting go".
For many people the whole idea of letting go, daily, is a very foreign concept. It seems to me I've been doing it all my life. Letting friendships go when they bog themselves down in "you are wrong and I am right so therefore you should do as you are told" being the single most important one of all.
I've lost count of how many people I've had relationships with in all of their manifestations - either as lovers, wives, friends, acquaintances, professional colleagues and in some extreme cases even family - where it has been me that instigated the break, the cut of relatedness, the definitive demarcation that said "enough is enough" and then bravely fronted the ensuing retort with "...respectfully, I dont care." as a reply.
That doesn't mean I do not grieve and do not cry in the "letting go" but it does mean that I can sit by myself and say with hope that there has to be a better way than always being pitched as being wrong, as being "...a cunt, a traitor, with no care for anyone" or even the most hurtful of all "...your kids dont love you."
As a child I heard constantly "...you should have been ..........."
I cant even repeat it it is that bad.
So perhaps when you look at me and use a put down as a way to engage me in conversation feigning it to be humour then do not be surprised if I turn my attention to other more important things than your own needs to feel included despite your own wallowing toxicity. Likewise, if you feel that enrolling me in conversations that bitch and moan about others and how your relatedness with them does not meet your high moral grounds of spiritual attainment then please also do not be surprised if I stare blankly at you and change the topic of conversation.
All that happened was that I "let go." I gave you no attention for what you said and better still... I gave you no fuel for your own emotional bonfire. I let go of being attached in that circumstance to another persons needs which do not match my own.
I may be accused of being sharp, aloof or even hard but it is an acquired trait that has been borne out of survival.
"...Whilst I find myself constantly re-evaluating my own behaviours in this regard I'm constantly reminding myself of how far I've come, how far I have to go and how easy it is to slip into the flat-liners ways of living. The people I care about are those who make it their mission to be kind to others, who live their life out of taking risks to do better and who have the capacity to forgive when what they have endured would have so easily consumed and broken them."
Here is a few things in summary I think make it easier to "let go" in life:
If it isn't at all affirmative think seriously or refrain from saying it;
Allow still and silent moments to come into conversations that are emotional or filled with hurt;
Put downs, bitching and derogatory language gets you nowhere in life;
Speak your gratitude to people who treat you well and in life treat others well;
Cry and let go as often as you want - it is your space and yours alone;
Wake up and take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth...you are alive and well and can let go of forgetting to be conscious even to breathing in your wakeful state.